Here's a little story I heard...

Wylde goes to summer school (summer preschool) just until the end of this month. He has 3 teachers who all love him becuse he is so funny! Like Mother like son! One of his teachers, Miss Gwen picks him up for school everyday and she tells me this story the other day...
Wylde tells her he wants to be an Astronaut when he grows up. She tells him that is terrific and that he will have to go to lots of school and training but she knows he can do it because he is so smart. She can't wait to say "I knew Wylde back when he was only 5" and "He told me he wanted to be an astronaut back when..." and Wylde says  "You'll be dead by then!"

So glad his teachers have a good sense of humor!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Guess he doesn't get to play with silly putty while I on the toilet anymore.

Wylde LOVES silly putty. Plays with it 24/7. I got him some new silly putty because the old silly putty was just that, OLD! When you pulled it apart it looked like it had fur from all the hair in it. Glow in the dark silly putty that is all not sticky and pretty and not full of hair!  It was so pretty I didn't want to give it to Wylde. He took it to Wal-mart with him. He played with it the enitre time his friend was here. He even shared it! Let his friend play with half of it. While she was playing with half he had half and decided he needed to poop. Needless to say, he dropped it. I refused to get it. He tried to get it. No such luck. He ended up flushing it. Thank goodness he had the other half!!! And then he slept with it! Half of half of his silly putty is stuck to his night shirt. Now all he has left is a wad of silly putty. It serioulsy looks like a wad of blue, glow in the dark silly putty. Had to throw away the night shirt, FYI. 
Thanks goodness silly putty is inexpensive, do wish it came out of clothes better.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

It's not funny.

Okay, so this post won't be funny, maybe more heartfelt and i am sorry for that. I am warning you aheaed of time though so don't say i didn't warn you.
I need to get my feelings out and this media is here and I'm gonna use it.
I want another baby. I want to try for a girl. I said in my high school year book that my ambition was to marry rich and have 6 kids and be a stay at home mom. Well...I now realize having 6 kids is INSANE but i think 3 would be good. However, the 2 I have are a handful and a half and money is tight. The hubby says no way.
I have had migraines for the past 5 years and have now just got them under control with birth control pills.  I would have to go off birth control to get pregnant.
I have 2 friends right now that are pregnant and would give anything to be pregnant with them! I LOVE being pregnant. I want a little girl so badly I can taste it. It tastes like cotton candy and strawberries! The thought of being done having kids is devastating. I REFUSE to say I am done having kids.
I will say that I can wait. I can wait 3 to 5 years and have a baby when the kids are older, when we are more financially stable.
Don't get me wrong, I am fulfilled with my boys. I love them more than I can put into words. I love my husband; our relationship gets better by the day. I don't NEED another baby but I feel like it is my destiny to have a baby girl.  So to all of you that I have talked to about having another baby, don't talk to me about it. I am trying to persuade Chett to have baby in the future. Until then, I LOVE my boys, all 3 of them.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I realized I know nothing about garbanzo beans.

So really hummus is gloridfied refried beans? right? What are garbanzo beans? I am going to go google them as soon as I am done ranting here. I was enjoying my salt and vinegar potato chips with roasted garlic hummus. DELICIOUS! When I started wondering as I am enjoying these beans, are they going to make me fart later. Garbanzo beans are white though, and farts strike me as more of a brown thing so I am guessing I will be music free. Then I wonder if I could make my own hummus but I haven't ever actually seen a garbanzo bean. Is it actually a bean or is it a corn? Oh wait, that is homminy...
If they are a glorified refried bean why is hummus Greek and not Mexican? This probably goes back to the actual bean...garbanzo beans must be found in Greece? Probably why hummus is so expensive? What a strange word. "Hummus" sounds like a rock. Oh wait, that is Pumice. I can't wait to go learn some more about garbanzo beans. Why wasn't learning this fun when I was in school. Anyone need a research paper for summer school? 
 Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Novella continued...

Her boyfriend. Her dishonest, suave, manipulating male companion is more like it.  For all intensive purposes his name will be Ken, a little name for a little man. Don't misunderstand me, he is not little in stature but little in mind and wit.  Unlike Barbie/Gertrude who has everything, can be anything, friends by the number, Ken has nothing and his only claim to fame is that he is associated with Barbie.  Ken is a piece of shit decorated with flecks of gold cast off of Barbie's designer wardrobe.
Although he and I have never been friends, I know quite a bit about him.  That will happen    town boasting 1,347 people. He and I also share a mutual friend, or rather I should say we share a mutual snitch. I will call him Mitch, mainly because it will be easy to remember. Mitch the Snitch.
Mitch enjoys being the go between. He gets to be close to Gertrude when he is with Ken and he gets to talk about Gertrude when he is with me. Eat, sleep, dream, Gertrude. What could be better than that? Mitch and I were friends long before Gertrude so it is just kismet that he happens to be friends with Gertrudes male companion.  It also happens to be bittersweet.  I enjoy talking about Gertrude. Daydreaming about Gertrude. Envisioning my future with Gertrude. Hearing about Gertrude in pain, I do not enjoy. Ken on the other hand seems to enjoy Gertrude's pain, as he seems to inflict it often.
I didn't even realize I was stalking him until his neighbors began waving at me on a daily basis and I knew Maria by name. Maria is his mail carrier. What a sweetheart.  She really understands the angst and torture of teenagers these days. 
Stalking, right. Why was I stalking? It was really more like watching Ken angrily. Driving by his house and reving my engine. Keeping my eye on him to ensure the safety of my future wife. He knew I was keeping an angry eye on him. It was a dark and clear hot humid summer night as he and Gertrude were cruising. I happen to be next to him at a stop sign, on a quiet, vacant street. I revved the engine of my 1968 black, SS Camaro. He revved the engine of his piece of shit 1977 powder blue Thunderbird. With smoke behind us, I was in the lead. However, instead of racing down the street where the road changed from asphalt to gravel and put Gertrude in danger. I took the high road and carried on with my destination. Home.
Mitch couldn't wait to find me in the hallway the next day. Ken was bragging about how he had taken me and my V8 425 HP Camaro from a dead stop. I laugh and walk away. I see Gertrude. She smiles and winks. She and I share a secret, the truth.

 Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Kids these days.

While we were riding Thomas the Train into the middle of nowhere (seriously the track only goes straight so thomas rides it backwards into a field and then frontwards back to the station) Wylde looks out the wondow and says.... "Look Mom, Farmville!" I am thinking I need to introduce him to some real farming. His only real farming experience consists of mystery eggs and watermelons harvesting in 4 days!!

Twice in one day Dayne decorated his room with diaper lotion and sunburn cream! He went to bed early that night without TV. That was hard for Mommy, having to listen to his screaming!! It is amazing how much blonder his hair has gotten in the sun. He looks more and more like Dennis the Menace!
Maybe I should start shoppping for a Dayne the Pain sitcom!

Anyone know any good producers??

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Trying my hand again at the novella...

Its a beautiful sunny day as I ride my bike around the neighborhood. Nothing better than the cool feel of wind and freedom. I was so surprised to see her, beautiful her.  I fell off my bike.
She is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She must be the most beautiful ray of sunshine and happiness to anyone that meets her; to anyone that just lays eyes upon her. 
She is dressed in yellow with a yellow bow in her hair, accentuating her likeness to the sun. How can I live my life without her? How can the Earth live without the sun?
As she disappears into the neighbors house, my world is cloaked in shadow. Sadness washes over me. I am an insignificant teenage boy infatuated with an amazing teenage girl.  My whole life is ahead of me and she already has a boyfriend.  I shouldn't be this in love with a girl that has never even spoken my name. Has she ever even looked in my direction? and yet I know she smells like strawberries and cotton, her eyes are the most beautiful shade of blue, like a sky right before a thunderstorm.  She has a scar just above her lip and right above her right eye.  Her dimples are enough to make my world spin.  Her blonde hair, I can only imagine would feel like silk in between my fingers.
You would think her name was Evelyn, Victoria, Caroline. Something classic and beautiful, not Gertrude. Gertrude Agnes Gershbottom. Even her initials were ugly G.A.G.  There isn't even a beautiful nickname in there, Gerty? Trudie? Neither of those does her the justice she deserves.
I have never heard her complain though. She happily goes by Gertrude. Immediately raises her hand when her name is called in class, with a smile on her face and in her eyes.
I wonder if she must have been ugly when she came out of the womb, to be cursed with such an awful name. Just because there are family with that name on her family tree is no excuse. No offense to anyone out there whose name may be Gertrude or Agnes or even Gershbottom but it really isn't pleasing to the ears. Her older sister escaped the bane of an awful name. Her name is Gloria. Gloria Rose Gershbottom. Even though her name is more pleasing to the ears her beauty is less pleasing to the eyes. Then again...nothing holds even the most beautiful candle to Gertrude.
Tomorrow classes start back up. Summer is over. I am sick with anticpation and excitement. Seeing her everyday M-F, for 6 months has given me diarrhea with delight!  If we have a class together I just might throw up. Oh please don't let me throw up in her presence. It's horrifying enough that I just fell off my bike, although I am confident that she didn't see.  I've begged my mom for Pro-Activ all summer in anticipation for the coming school year.  Even though my name is  Beau William van Duren, I am most likely to respond to Crater Face or Pizza Face or Archibald. Not sure how Archibald came to be. I guess it is suiting for a dweeb like me and my favorite of the nicknames so I don't complain.

I feel sorry for her.

Oh Lord. He's only 2 1/2! Dayne sees a fortune cookie on my Facebook page and says "Boobies!" I say, "No, Dayne, that's a COOKIE!!!" Then he turns to me and says "Mommy, big boobies" "Yes, Dayne, Mommy has big boobies." To which he pulls my shirt down (I'm wearing a bra) so he can lay his head down on my cleavage and says "My boobies"  Um.... "no, Dayne, Mommy's boobies"

I can guess right now that his girlfriends/wife are going to be well-endowed.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Quick thoughts

I am vomiting, the first thing people think is "You're pregnant!"
I'm a bitch, I must be "Pms-ing"
If there is a scratch on my car, I must be a HORRIBLE woman driver!
What can we assume about men?
If he vomit's, he must be an alcoholic?
If he is cranky, he must be an asshole.
If there is a scratch on his car, it must have been done by HORRIBLE woman driver.

I can't do percentages in my head. I must be blonde. It's just really hard. Why can't they just put the new discounted price on the tag? I can figure 50% but what is 30% of 39.95? OMG why do they have to make it so hard. Don't get me started that is a whole other blog.

I want to know why my mail man will bring a package to my door but put all the mail that comes that same day he puts in the mailbox. Why can't he just bring it all up in one trip and then skip my mailbox?

yeah, okay that's it for this too. I'm out, like Lance Bass!



Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

So what? I'm still a Rockstar.

So I haven't held up my end of the deal with a blog everyday. So I only write whenever I want. So I only write what I want. So what? I'm still a rockstar.
A 6yr old told me she liked my hair the other day, It looks just like her grandmas. So what? I can totally rock granny hair.
I told my son that I loved him today and he says "I know, Mom, you tell me all the time."  So what. Now you know that I love you and I know that you know that I love you. So there.
My husband says he doesn't want to read my blogs because "they are my thing" . So what? These are in fact my "things" and you can't "read" them. Muahahahahahaha
So I didn't finish the laundry today or yesterday or last week when I started it. So what?  We have clean clothes in the closet. So what, hubby has to free ball it? So what? It's better for his sperm to feel all the freedom. I am just doing what is best for any future children we may or may not have.
So I didn't brush my teeth today. So what? I ate a mint and drank mint tea before bed. There bad breath solved.
So that's all I have right now. So what? So get going gees. No more to see here. Carry on.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Another one? Really? I'm going to go novella style tonight...

It wasn't as real or as scary as the last one.  Last night, I had another weird dream.
I was a prostitute in a brothel. It was the first day and I was nervous. However, I was stunningly surprised to see a few other girls that I went to high school with, also making extra money working at the brothel. How nice to be rooming with old friends.  The first night we are all appropriately attired and standing in line like cattle to be gazed upon. If it hadn't been for my blog I think there would have been less men. Less familiar men gazing upon us. Just like I was rooming with high school girl friends, it looked as if I would also be "rooming" with high school boy friends. High school boy friends, with wives and families, that wanted to see me as I was at that moment. I waited for the madam to list the names of the hired women for the night. I knew my first night had come and yet my name stayed silent among my friends.  I sighed and retreated to my room alone.
It was half time. Time for the men to pick another winner for the second half of their night. My roommate returned and vomited in her bed. I immediately need to be busy. I go to the hall closet and retrieve more sheets. And was confronted by the least of the men who had come to see me.  He was the midget. The small person. The wee man. The little guy who was so mean to me in high school. Now married with children, here he was wanting to bed me. My how times have changed. My how cocky he must feel. Throwing money and alcohol at me like I am needy and unworthy.
What he doesn't know is that I will drink that alcohol and have courage. I will take that money and have worth. I will go home to my husband still honest and authentic. Would his wife understand his feeling of inadequacy? His need to prove himself above a whore?

Okay so brothels do don't have half times. I didn't go to school with a wee man. And no I did not have sex with that man.  But what did you thinking of the writing?

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

It's as easy as pushing a button.

Dayne knows how to lock his door. It's as easy as pushing the button and closing the door, whether you are in the room or out of the room. He prefers to lock the door when he is out of the room.
He prefers to lock his door when he is out of his room at night, when he should be sleeping.  If I had a nickel for everytime I heard the words..."mama, door locked" I would have at least $100,000. No kidding.
I go unlock the door. He says "thank you, mama, scratch my back." Hell no. I am not scratching your back! I just had to get up off my fat ass, walk up the stairs, unlock your damn door and put you into bed, for the 5th time tonight! 
He put Candace the kitty in the clothes hamper today.
He hides the cup to feed the kitties.
He puts his straw through his styrofoam cup EVERYTIME we go to sonic.
He rode his riding toy down the stairs and put a dent in the wall. (he's fine)
He writes on the wall, the carpet, brother's sheets, brother's pillows, himself...
Please, no one let him near any matches or sharp things.
Can you tell who has been pushing my buttons today?
I love my little mischievous boo boo - who is as I speak is kicking his walls from his bed and jabbering loudly in his room, when he should be sleeping.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I must really want some red lipstick.

I had the worst dream(s) last night! So vivid and realistic! I remember every detail (almost)! I even woke up and called the hubby and made him tell me he loved me so I would feel better!
These damn vampires are every where! Last night they killed Chett and my son (some generic brown haired college boywith a backpack that I assume is Wylde in the future?). Tore them apart while I watched in a carpet/rug store at a huge mall in a big city!
Then I made some sort of pact with them and Chett was alive again and the Lady vampire told me I would look fabulous in a red lipstick called Grand Mariner(I know, weird, right?) But that it would smear easily and be hard to take off!
I also danced with them at some point  - they were all dancing down some stairs wearing black and white. I was also wearing black and white so I joined the dance on the stairs. I think this may have instigated the whole thing. Them thinking I was one of them?
I was then in the same mall with my Mom, my sister, and my neice. I was trying nonchalantly to look for this lipstick but nobody had it. I just had to have it. Then my neice disappeared.  Not sure if she was kidnapped or lost or??? Whatever the case I was devestated. Cried and cried, all the while still searching for this lipstick, and some white chocolate coffee. I found the coffee but they asked if I wanted the vinegar in it. Vinegar? She said they used coffee tablets and the vinegar made the tablets dissolve better and made the coffee better faster. I was trying to tell her No and WTF when I saw my neice! I was screaming for her, she was on the other side of some glass. She looked different and was with a strange man. I immediately ran to get her and then stopped at a make-up kiosk.  At which I think I found the lipstick I was told to get but I woke up. So I never got my lipstick or my neice although I feel pretty confident that she is safe.
If you find a red lipstick called Grand Mariner by a company starting with a V (Valiente?). Keep it to yourself because that would be some freaky shit!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Is THAT dandruff??

Well it is officially summer, whether the calendar says so or not! I have burned my scalp.  What a wonderful feeling. Not really so bothersome until I wash my hair, or brush my hair. Then it's going to itch. It's going to itch SO good! I'm going to worry about going out in public because people are going to think I have lice. You know what itching means.... peeling flaking scalp skin. Lovely. It drives me crazy. I'm going to hate going out in public at this stage also because of the huge flakes in my hair and on my clothes! I end up in the shower for hours just scratching my head trying to get rid of it. Or peel it....have you ever tried to peel your scalp? It's not easy or painless. I've done it.
How does one put lotion on the scalp to alieve the burn? or put sunscreen on the scalp to prevent the burn? Come on. This may shock you, but I am girl. I like to have nice hair. I'm not going to grease up my hair trying to put aloe on the scalp or grease it up with sunscreen. There has to be a better way. Wait, I could wear a hat I guess but hats are hot and not really pool friendy. Doo rag? yeah. I tried that once on a canoe trip. With my pale skin and lack of hair under a doo rag, I looked like a cancer patient. Well...a brand new cancer patient that hasn't lost all that weight yet from chemo and radiation...

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I'm in such big trouble!

I think if there was an ornery boy contest Dayne would win. Hands down.  He comes out tonight and knows he should be in bed. He says "Me no sleep" and then smiles, with those dimples and those eyes. Then he turns around and starts playing with his shadow. Chett and I are laughing and so he knows he has an audience. We tell him to go to bed and he says, "Daddy, me help." I say, "What do you need help with?" He says "My pee pee, my butt crack" and starts laughing. 
On a side note to his orneriness... he is so hard to discipline! I get mad and say, "Dayne! I'm gonna spank your ass!" To which he and his brother start laughing becasue I said "ass".  I put him in time out in his room and he tears it apart: takes his stuff off the bed, empties his basket of books, tips over his toys that are big and standing... I put him in time out in the hallway, he crawls to the stairs and makes faces at his brother and I or if Wylde is in Time out he crawls into Wyldes room and they start wrestling and flinging moon sand. I have resorted to having him put his nose on the wall but Wylde can't be around because then they just continue to tease each other. Do I really want more kids? I may only have 2 but these aren't normal children. I should really say I have 4 kids!
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya