Wow.

Let me just say.... I wrote my depressing blog so that it may help someone else who was suffering and also it helps to talk out ones feelings. I had no idea that I would be helped out so much by everyone else!  The mass amounts of support and flattery were immense and felt deeply! It helped me come to the conclusion that everyone has feelings and everyone has the capability to feel sad and depressed. People skinnier than me, richer than me etc have felt depressed and honestly I didn't know that was possible. I was feeling guilty for being depressed because I have a nice house, I have a supportive and loving family, I have a husband that tells me often how beautiful I am.  I no longer feel guilty. I bet at least 80% of the population have felt depressed and contemplated self harm.  What's good is that I can talk about it, that i am getting help and with the help of my family (facebook family included) and friends, I now have optimism again that being "happy" isn't out of the question.
I do feel guilty for causing so much sadness and confusion.  Everyone has low points and I am sure I hit rock bottom. However, I think my journey to the bottom was short.  I feel like half of my month is spent battling depression but the other half I feel more myself.  I need to figure out what works for me and that in itself will be a journey with ups and downs! 
My husband has realized that depression is serious.  I hope that his current behavior and attitude are not short lived.  I appreciate all his hugs and reassurance. I hope also that my honesty and openess positively affects my children. Wylde has been emotional and self depricating of late and I fear that it is in response to my depression. He and I are going to seek the help of a therapist together. I think nothing but health and happiness can result in doing that together.
I am also paying more attention to myself.  These passed few days I have been able to tell when I need a break, take a deep breath, get out of the house. I have been more motivated. I wore an outfit chett thought was "fruity" because I liked it.  I didn't care what he or anyone else thought. I did things for me, that I wanted to do for myself. It feels awesome.
Hello, My name is Daya and I suffer from Depression. Whoopty do.

Merry Everything,
Daya

Today is a new day.

I feel better today, albeit a bit frazzled. I hate leaving the house for a few days without it being spotless. I got the floors mopped yesterday and the boys rooms cleaned, dishes done. However I still need to clean bathrooms and vaccuum. Chett was adamant about cleaning the bathrooms himself and vaccuuming but I think it is a pity clean... just saying he will clean to make me feel less stressed but he never does as good a job as I do. I also don't want him to clean just because I had a meltdown. I am still quite capable of cleaning. It will be amazing to come home for Christmas to a clean house and know that I can relax and let the mayhem of kids and presents go on without stress.
Also, the outpour of support and enouragement and flattery is pretty nice as well. It is hard to hear some of those things, as Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman "the hard things are easier to believe". My husband constantly tells me I am beautiful too. I have learned not to roll my eyes and to just smile and say thanks. I feel like I have a pretty face but everything else is meh.  So I definitely need to work on my self image. Yesterday may have been bad but it was just an angry I feel so upset kind of day, it has been much worse so I know the meds are kicking in.
I am also getting away from the house and kids for a couple days for some much needed time with one of my best girlfriends! that ought to be good for the soul.  Thankfully I have an amazing family that are willing to help me out and be there for me when I need them!
I feel like there is hope today for happiness and that is something I haven't felt for awhile. I want to thank all of you for the kind and encouraging words. It means so much to have such a grand support system that I didn't know I had. 

Merry Everything,
Daya

Not for the faint of heart but good therapy.

So. I am having a bad day today. My phone has updated itself and I was having issues with it, so Chett messed with it and I have lost all my most important phone numbers. I had them in "groups": wyldes contacts, doctor contacts, friends, family....all gone. No idea where they are. Seems pretty minor but here I am crying about it. I am FREAKING out about it.
I am sure if you have read my previous blogs that you know I have a problem with depression and anxiety. But I want to talk about it more. 
Why? Well, I hear if you talk about it more, get your feelings out that it makes you feel better. It may also help someone that is going through similar issues. I know for a fact that I am not the only one out there with these feelings.
If you don't want to read depressing stuff than please read no further.
Today as I sit here. It is a bad day. Tears flow like niagra. I have no desire to shower, to move from this space, to talk to anyone. I want to be alone, maybe in a hole somwhere.  I wish it were dark and I wish I had my blanky to wrap around my head and scream and cry into.
I take meds. I see a psychiatrist but finding meds that suit me have been hard to find. The Celexa gave me hallucinations.  The Zoloft - well I don't remember about it but it didin't work.    The Cymbalta didn't work and made me feel car sick. The Wellbutrin gave me a seizure. The Prozac helped the anxiety (I was having panic attacks and pulling hair and having bouts of OCD) but too much of it made me feel like a zombie. I am currently on Paxil and it seems to be helping, although it takes time to build up in my system.  It hasn't built up in my system yet.
In the meantime...I feel like a big fat ugly waste of space.  Before I saw my psychiatrist the last time I had planned out my suicide.  Knew exactly how i would do it. Had it all rationalized, everyone would be sad, sure but they have families, they will forget about me and move on. Chett would find someone better, skinnier, more sexual, more patient to marry and mother my boys. My boys, they are so young, they would get over the death of their mother and love another. Apparently I am not a good mother anyway right, they are both ADD and out of control most times.  I can't even manage the finances. All I ever wanted to be was a stay at home mom. My entire life all I ever wanted was to have children and create the perfect house. I can't even do that, a failure. So why live.  Then I think about Mom. My mom. Then I breakdown. I could leave everyone else but not her. It would crush her. I know it would. Out of anyone, even my sister - with her own kids and life, she would live on, be happy.  Mom would never be the same and then I can't do it. I quit planning and decide that I have to snap out of it. I have to put on a happy face and pretend that I am okay. 
I think I have suffered some amount of depression all of my life. When I ws a teenager I wanted to throw myself down the stairs and hope that I would break something severely enough to wind up in the hospital because I didn't want to be around people. I wanted to get away.
Then the kids came and post partum would hit me so hard. It just keeps getting worse.
I haven't been this honest with anyone really. I know that if my mom or my sister read this they might be a little shocked.  I told my husband part of it and he wanted to institutionalize me. How can I be completely honest and risk that? He is now trying to understand this depression and we communicate daily on how things are going.
I hate the way I look. I have gained so much weight that none of my clothes fit. So that doesnt' help. I don't want to leave the house because then I have to find something to wear.  I don't want to go to physical therapy because most of  the things he needs me to do are complicated by the size of my breasts and I get self conscious.
Everyone knows me as "the funny one" so I try not to talk about this with friends because I don't want to be "Daya Downer" (anyone familiar with the SNL skit? Debbie Downer?) I think people that talk about depressing things about themselves or otherwise are soul suckers. You get done talking to them and you yourself will feel sad and wiped out. I don't want to be that for anyone so then I think... I'm just a depressing, fat, unsuccessful waste of space.
I try to put my happy face on and be funny but it gets harder and harder. I have no idea who I am anymore. I care too much what everyone thinks of me.  My entire life I have always tried to be someone I wasn't.  In school I wanted to be popular, tried K-12 to be with the "in-crowd" with no success. I wanted to be a cheerleader but thought I was too fat to even try out. I was never the smartest, never the prettiest, never sporty. I went to college because that was what was expected of me. I wanted to be in a sorority but thought I wasn't outgoing enough. I studied a subject I knew I would be good at and not have to put much effort into.
I have no idea what I want to be in life. I know I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be Daya Downer. I don't want to be pitied or patronized.
I just want to feel better. I want to know who I am and I want to celebrate that.  Does anyone out there know how to accomplish that?
I want a sleave tattoo, I want a pixie cut, I want braces (people with braces have the best mouths, I can spot them from a mile away) I want funky old fashioned glasses. I want to be unique and happy...
But I don't want people to think badly of me and talk behind my back/look down on me/look at me funny.... I want to express myself without any concern for the consequences. I want to wake up every day and wonder what that day will bring me instead of waking up every day wondering if I will cry or want to kill myself.
A good friend of mine has had similar issues and she knows whats going on so she has been calling me lately checking in on me. I asked her "Will I ever be truly happy?" "Truly happy? No, but content of course" so is that I what I have to look forward too? Life of contentment? Is that what people who suffer from depression really have to look forward too? "Live moment to moment, second to second" she says. I can do that.
I wrote on my chalk board "How do you want to feel today?" Today, I want to feel at peace.
I hope I haven't left you wiped out and sad but I think it helped me to have you hear with me just now. Thank you.


Merry Everything,
Daya

Am I supposed to know about the birds?

Am I supposed to know what happens to the birds in the winter? I know that geese fly south; what about the others?  They don't chirp and their bird baths are all frozen over. Do they hibernate? Do they also fly south, albeit quieter and less flamboyant than the geese?
As I was laying down the other day, relaxing with a book while the boys were at school, I heard chirping.  It was background noise that I heard but didn't "hear"... you get me? However, the book got boring so I noticed the chirping more. Thought to myself how nice it was to hear the birds, how nice it was that my house was quiet enough to hear such a beatufil sound.  As I tuned into the chirping, it occured to me that the chirping was steady, coming at about every 3 seconds or so. I tuned into it even more, steadying my breathing to here the bird because it was weird - like a clock almost. Oh gees. The chirping was coming everytime I breathed out - of my nose.
The bird wasn't a bird. It was my nose. My nose was chirping like a bird. I had no idea I was so unintentionally musically. I should start a band. That's what I will do, I will put on some cordouroy pants, bells on my socks and start a one man band.


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Me? Weird? No... Reallly?

So I had made crafts for this store and I was there leaving more wares and getting paid for the ones I had sold when my water broke. Thank goodness one of the other patrons there was my midwife! My Mom, Dad and Sister show up quickly. Even my deceased maternal grandma came! In her hospital gown, bedhead, no dentures and IV fluids tagging along.
I feel the baby is crowning and politely announce that the midwife needs to come hither because the baby is coming. I also had to pee REALLY bad (badly? not sure of the correct adverb here....) and wondered if I could go pee before I began birthing, otherwise i thought I might pee when I gave birth.  My grandma came to my side and told me she wanted to go shopping and that I was beautiful.
Again, I say "Hello, Midwife.... it's time!" Mom says, "I can see on the monitor that the baby is ready too!!"
I say, "I'm on a monitor? That's weird, not even the hospital put me on one of those!"  And immediatly she is by my side helping me breathe through the contractions so I can wait longer...
and then I woke up!

Forgot to mention that chett was no where around and the baby I was going to have was black. Dad was in his Sunday best, blue button down shirt and tie.

FYI: I am not pregnant and also did not take any acid...only the prescribed meds for me!

Merry Christmas!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya