Not for the faint of heart but good therapy.

So. I am having a bad day today. My phone has updated itself and I was having issues with it, so Chett messed with it and I have lost all my most important phone numbers. I had them in "groups": wyldes contacts, doctor contacts, friends, family....all gone. No idea where they are. Seems pretty minor but here I am crying about it. I am FREAKING out about it.
I am sure if you have read my previous blogs that you know I have a problem with depression and anxiety. But I want to talk about it more. 
Why? Well, I hear if you talk about it more, get your feelings out that it makes you feel better. It may also help someone that is going through similar issues. I know for a fact that I am not the only one out there with these feelings.
If you don't want to read depressing stuff than please read no further.
Today as I sit here. It is a bad day. Tears flow like niagra. I have no desire to shower, to move from this space, to talk to anyone. I want to be alone, maybe in a hole somwhere.  I wish it were dark and I wish I had my blanky to wrap around my head and scream and cry into.
I take meds. I see a psychiatrist but finding meds that suit me have been hard to find. The Celexa gave me hallucinations.  The Zoloft - well I don't remember about it but it didin't work.    The Cymbalta didn't work and made me feel car sick. The Wellbutrin gave me a seizure. The Prozac helped the anxiety (I was having panic attacks and pulling hair and having bouts of OCD) but too much of it made me feel like a zombie. I am currently on Paxil and it seems to be helping, although it takes time to build up in my system.  It hasn't built up in my system yet.
In the meantime...I feel like a big fat ugly waste of space.  Before I saw my psychiatrist the last time I had planned out my suicide.  Knew exactly how i would do it. Had it all rationalized, everyone would be sad, sure but they have families, they will forget about me and move on. Chett would find someone better, skinnier, more sexual, more patient to marry and mother my boys. My boys, they are so young, they would get over the death of their mother and love another. Apparently I am not a good mother anyway right, they are both ADD and out of control most times.  I can't even manage the finances. All I ever wanted to be was a stay at home mom. My entire life all I ever wanted was to have children and create the perfect house. I can't even do that, a failure. So why live.  Then I think about Mom. My mom. Then I breakdown. I could leave everyone else but not her. It would crush her. I know it would. Out of anyone, even my sister - with her own kids and life, she would live on, be happy.  Mom would never be the same and then I can't do it. I quit planning and decide that I have to snap out of it. I have to put on a happy face and pretend that I am okay. 
I think I have suffered some amount of depression all of my life. When I ws a teenager I wanted to throw myself down the stairs and hope that I would break something severely enough to wind up in the hospital because I didn't want to be around people. I wanted to get away.
Then the kids came and post partum would hit me so hard. It just keeps getting worse.
I haven't been this honest with anyone really. I know that if my mom or my sister read this they might be a little shocked.  I told my husband part of it and he wanted to institutionalize me. How can I be completely honest and risk that? He is now trying to understand this depression and we communicate daily on how things are going.
I hate the way I look. I have gained so much weight that none of my clothes fit. So that doesnt' help. I don't want to leave the house because then I have to find something to wear.  I don't want to go to physical therapy because most of  the things he needs me to do are complicated by the size of my breasts and I get self conscious.
Everyone knows me as "the funny one" so I try not to talk about this with friends because I don't want to be "Daya Downer" (anyone familiar with the SNL skit? Debbie Downer?) I think people that talk about depressing things about themselves or otherwise are soul suckers. You get done talking to them and you yourself will feel sad and wiped out. I don't want to be that for anyone so then I think... I'm just a depressing, fat, unsuccessful waste of space.
I try to put my happy face on and be funny but it gets harder and harder. I have no idea who I am anymore. I care too much what everyone thinks of me.  My entire life I have always tried to be someone I wasn't.  In school I wanted to be popular, tried K-12 to be with the "in-crowd" with no success. I wanted to be a cheerleader but thought I was too fat to even try out. I was never the smartest, never the prettiest, never sporty. I went to college because that was what was expected of me. I wanted to be in a sorority but thought I wasn't outgoing enough. I studied a subject I knew I would be good at and not have to put much effort into.
I have no idea what I want to be in life. I know I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be Daya Downer. I don't want to be pitied or patronized.
I just want to feel better. I want to know who I am and I want to celebrate that.  Does anyone out there know how to accomplish that?
I want a sleave tattoo, I want a pixie cut, I want braces (people with braces have the best mouths, I can spot them from a mile away) I want funky old fashioned glasses. I want to be unique and happy...
But I don't want people to think badly of me and talk behind my back/look down on me/look at me funny.... I want to express myself without any concern for the consequences. I want to wake up every day and wonder what that day will bring me instead of waking up every day wondering if I will cry or want to kill myself.
A good friend of mine has had similar issues and she knows whats going on so she has been calling me lately checking in on me. I asked her "Will I ever be truly happy?" "Truly happy? No, but content of course" so is that I what I have to look forward too? Life of contentment? Is that what people who suffer from depression really have to look forward too? "Live moment to moment, second to second" she says. I can do that.
I wrote on my chalk board "How do you want to feel today?" Today, I want to feel at peace.
I hope I haven't left you wiped out and sad but I think it helped me to have you hear with me just now. Thank you.


Merry Everything,
Daya