what's grosser than gross?

Wylde says to me... (FYI - he has a cold with a horrible cough and no one else in the house is sick)
"I know why I'm coughing...it's because I ate my boogers and they are stuck in my throat!"
Gag. Uh. I say to him "I thought you didn't eat your boggers anymore?
"I was eating them while I took a nap today."
"Eating your boogers is gross. Boogers are full of germs. That is why you are sick because you were eating your boogers."
"Boogers taste like candy and sugar."
"Really? Well eating real sugar and candy doesn't make you sick, well it can but not sick with coughing and sneezing. Are you gonna wat your boogers anymore?"
"No." ( I don't believe him. He couldn't keep a straight face)
Yes. My child picks his nose and eats his boogers. Apparently his boogers taste like candy and sugar. I gotta hand it to him, if my boogers tasted like candy and sugar...I might eat them too.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I hope he doesn't read my blog...

So this old "friend" messages me the other day. I think to myself, how nice...I didn't think we were that close.  That's sweet of him to stop by and see how Chett and I are!
And then...
He asks me if I know anyone fat. You heard me. He wasn't as politically correct as I am but that's what he said. I took the bait...I looked at his stuff. Ugh. It's like Amway for fat people. You can lose weight for free if you sign up another person and they sign up another person and so on and so forth...
Great. It really disappoints me that someone I thought was being kind was just trying to cash in on my fatness. Not nice.
I hope that weightloss shake goes straight to his thighs.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I am SO HAPPY right now!!!

So 6 months ago Dayne would point and say Uh!  Very caveman. His words were Mama, Dada, Bubba, Ball....we began speech therapy. I was so frustrated with his non-verbage! He is such a smart kid! Knew exactly what he wanted and communicated in every non-verbal way he possibly could!! Ask anyone!
Today he graduated speech therapy!!! He says 4 word phrases like: Mama, me eat egg.
Mama, no help me. He says new words every day! He tells me he wants to "me, eat pizza." Instead of dragging me to the kitchen so he can point and grunt!
This is another non-funny blog....but I am so happy today! My little boy has graduated in record time and I couldn't be more proud! 6 months and we went from point and grunt to 4 word sentences and 3 syllable words like umbrella and gorilla!!!  I LOVE you Dayne!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I'm on my period. (not me, the other one)

So. Chett goes upstairs to get himself some ice cream.
Chett: "Hey babe, where's the fudge?"
Daya: "We don't have fudge, just chocolate syrup, in the fridge"
Chett: "Got it! Do we have anymore pecans?"
Daya: "In the pantry, corner in the tub with the brown sugar and marshmellows"
Chett: "I must be on my period."

Not sure whether I should laugh or punch him?




Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

It has really gone to the ugs! Uglies.

I don't know how many of you shop at the food challenged store Lane Bryant but it has really gone to the fashion challenged!! I don't know who they think they are but I used to be able to spend one of Chett's whole paychecks there. Not so much these days. Not a single thing I wanted to buy out of their website today. Well...there was a cute tank top but not for $49 dollars! I'd rather make one out of cheese and wear it. There was a knit shirt with shoulder pads for like $50. Shoulder pads. Really? Shoulder pads. Oh and a pair of tight rolled sweat pants and a pair of cotton bermuda shorts each for the bargain price of $59.50. Really? I can go to wal-mart and buy a pair of sweats for $5, go home cut them off, tight roll them and viola. Lane Bryant savy. Who do they think they are? Wait.
I should go to Wal-mart and buy some sweats and cut them off and tight roll them and sell them on Etsy as Lane Bryant knock offs.
BRB, Anyone need anything? I'm going to Wal-mart.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I should be what when I grow up?

Wylde told me the other day as I was Rocking OUT to our Imagination Movers CD.... "Mama, you should be a rockstar when you grow up.  You are a great singer and you can dance really good and you are so pretty." Now, that isn't funny but I don't care who you are...that's the sweetest thing.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Who dresses her?

Serioulsy. Who dresses her? She wears a pink/purple shirt, that is too small and shows her belly, reddish orange shorts and yellow socks. In what world does that even coordinate?  I swear it must have been a man that dressed Dora.  Oh yeah, totally a man. Frankly I am a little worried. Dora is always taking dangerous adventures without a anyone but animals accompnying her. Isn't that a little weird? Who saw the Going on a berry hunt episode? They went to blueberry hill...  anyone remember that song?
I found my thrill on blueberry hill
On blueberry hill when I found you
The moon stood still on blueberry hill
And lingered until my dreams came true

The wind in the willow played
Love's sweet melody
But all of those vows we made
Were never to be

Tho' we're apart, you're part of me still
For you were my thrill on blueberry hill
The wind in the willow played
Love's sweet melody
But all of those vows we made
Were never to be
Tho' we're apart, you're part of me still
For you were my thrill on blueberry hill

Isn't that creepy? who's with me?

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I used to but I forgot

I had funny stuff happen today. I swear I did. I remember thinking at the time, quick...I need to go blog or I need to remember this so I can blog about it later. Well it is later and I forgot!
I find it harder to be on the spot funny than I had originally thought.  I can be funny in response to people all the time but to be original and on my own funny....its tough.
I guess there was something funny...although i think it is gross.  My son Dayne...the one that eats moon sand. I gave him a bath tonight and then put lotion on him. Everytime I do he sticks his hand in the fresh glob of lotion I put on him and eats it. Yummy he says. I go to put on his diaper, he has minor diaper rash so I put some butt cream on him with some powder on top of that because he HAS to have powder thanks to the in-laws. He sticks his finger in his butt crack and eats the cream/powder concoction. Yummy he says. What is wrong with him?
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

am I really that bad?

I feel like such a bad girl today. I mean that seriously...don't get all kinky.
One neighbor didn't know what BYOB was and I had to explain it to her. Another neighbor didn't know what 420 was. Why is it that I have to educate the friends on alcohol and drugs? I thought I was innocent and sweet.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Cleanliness is next to insanity

The tale of Dr. Daya and Mrs. Clean.
I think it would be better for everyone, to an extent that the house was never cleaned. I cleaned today. Bathrooms, dusting, some windows, dishes, sweeping, vaccuuming, cleaned the couch...all the good stuff. Now...I am OCD bitch. I follow the kids everywhere...especially to the bathroom. I catch myself saying all day, I just cleaned this house, don't get it dirty! Of course when they go to the bathroom and wash their hands they get water all over the mirror. They brush their teeth and get toothpaste all over the sink. Yesterday when they washed their teeth I was watching TV and farming on Farmville without a care in the world. Not today...today I am sitting on the toilet, with towel in hand drying up any water spot in the sink or mirror, washing down every little toothpaste spittle. I even closed and locked the bathroom door just so it would stay clean for an hour.  I LOVE a clean house but the clean house doesn't love me.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Random miscellaneousness

So. I haven't done the research but I hope moon sand doesn't have any side effects from ingestion. Dayne likes to eat it. I told him it was yucky, we don't eat moon sand and he said....no, sand yummy!!!
Aqua sand is serioulsy the coolest thing since sliced bread. I advize anyone young or old to buy it! Don't let the kids play with it though because they will just make a mess. It is amazing. For real yo. Water just beads up on it. It seriously does not get wet. I just don't understand. It gets in the water and you can mold it and then you take it out of water and it is sand.  I can't stop going on about it. It truly is amazing.
I got a shirt for my cat today. It is pink and has a huge smiley face on it. She loves it - don't even think about calling PETA on me. I jus thave to confess though that I didn't realize how fat she was getting. I got her extra small and it fits her but now she has a muffin bottom. I will take pics and post to facebook later.  Her shirt seriously fits her but looks a little like a sausage casing...especially cuz it is pink.  She is so precious.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

The Slammin Salmons

From the makers of Super Troopers...I had never heard of it but rented it because I love Broken Lizard!
Just some quotes:
"If "if's" and "buts" were cherries and nuts then we would all have a Merry Christmas!"
"I am useless with a capital 'Y'!"
"I thought you were taking Mia." "No, I'm taking You-a!"
"How do say 'Mother Fucker' in Spanish" - he says to the Japanese translator...
girl - "You really think you should have another Rum and Coke? How about a virgin rum and coke?"
boy - "That would just be a coke"
girl -"That sounds delicious!"
"Excuses are like assholes, everyone has one but ain't no one wanna admit it."
"My nickname for him was Cunty McTwattwat because he was such a pussy."
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Wish it was funny friday....

Just not feeling particularly funny. I have racked my brain at multiple times and just can't think of anything funny to say. I have even been paying close attention to the kids today looking for them to be or say something funny. Nothing.
So....what to do, what to do.
The only thing I can think of is a friend of mines status the other day...it still makes me laugh...I doubt he reads this so surely he won't mind if I plagerize... right?
His son says "I already have a big Buzz, now I just need a big Woody!"

He of course was talking about Toy Story figurines!

Tell me something funny your kids said and maybe I can laugh myself out of this funk?

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Not sure if I have any men followers....if I do they might want to not read today!

So. I am ready to get this damn IUD out!!! Its only been in for 2 years and it can stay in for 5 but this thing is Miraining on my parade (I have the Mirena, FYI). I have had my period for the last 2 weeks. For Real. No really.
I mean I had awful periods before this.....last 6 days bleed so heavy for 3 days that I couldn't leave the house unless I knew ahead of thime there would be a red/burgundy couch I could sit upon and wore the same matching shade of pants. However...I would take that in a heartbeat instead of this crap that lasts more than 2 weeks! It gets longer every month I think! Don't get me wrong, I don't bleed heavy but this *(edited for fear of vomiting and/or backlash) stuff has gone on too long.  I am breaking out with the tell tale acne on my forhead and feel the need to eat donuts on the hour every hour so I must be PMSing... but the MSing never stopped. Its lovely, and the husband really loves rancid ketchup with his french fries. Was that too much? Sorry.
I think I will call tomorrow and see about getting this thing as far away from me as humanly possible. Oh wait. It's plastic, I think. Surely she would let me have it since it's got my junk all over it. I should light it on fire! Muahahahahahahahahahaha

On a side note. I got my first mosquito bite today! I wish those things would mosquitaddle away! I have successfully scratched a hole into my ankle. Always happens on the first one. 
Husband: "What are you doing?"
Me: "My ankle itches!"
H: "You haven't stopped scratching for 10 minutes"
M: "What part of "my ankle itches" didn't you understand?"
H: "Well if you don't stop scratching you are going to hurt yourself."
M: "But it feels so good!"
H: "Can I help you scratch?"
M: "Ouch...just hurt myself. Gotta go get a bandaid."


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I lost my spray paint!

So, I may have told this story to some of you but I don't care who you are, it's funny.
To make my peeps paraphenalia I spray paint the peeps with a clear coat! I went to spray them with a second coat and I couldn't find the paint! I looked EVERYWHERE (that means - even in the refridgerator)! Finally I asked the boys if they had taken it, thinking to myself  "Well....at least it is clear paint." Dayne said he threw it over the deck. No. No, he didn't. I asked Wylde and he said he thought Dayne took it and he knew where it was. I said, "Go get it!! I need it!!" So he leaves for 15 minutes and proudly walks into the kitchen exclaiming "I found it!!!" I say "Good job, Wylde!!" as I slowly pull myself away from dinner and turn to find him holding my hot pink vibrator.
Yeah... that's not spray paint. Time to find a new hiding spot....not under the bed.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Just some random thoughts for the day...

I need a change of scenery, think I will go to the bathroom. At least in there, there is some fesh linen air, some good stuff to read and I can create a waterfall with the sink on and my eyes closed.

I used to fight the ants but I think I will let them stay. They will be like my very own tiny dogs - cleaning up all the crumbs.

I decided "muffin top" was not accurate and now refer to my body shape as "triple scoop ice cream on 2 popsicle sticks."

Is it weird that when I tell my son to give me a kiss before school he refuses but when his bus driver tells him to give me a kiss he rushes over and gives me a kiss?

I was thinking about getting the carpet cleaned but I think it would be easier to tell people I have polka dot carpet.



Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

There once was a girl from Emporia

There once was a girl from Emporia
Starting a blog gave her euphoria
They said she was a bitch, she didn't mean to ignore ya
If you were nice she would smile toward ya
She grew hungry and ate at the cafeteria
Eating the crab salad there gave her diarrhea
Too much pooping sent her into hysteria
She got a hemorhoid and named her Gloria
They became the best of friends, enjoying Sangria.
This is the end. The end of my aria.




Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Sunday...Glad to be home.

Of course I take to writing a blog about being funny and I can't think of a single thing funny to talk about.  Maybe it is the combination of Ambien and Sailor Jerry's, clogging my funny filter!
All I know is that I am going to make it BIG! With peeps. Anyone get a lot of peeps this year that they don't want? Please donate them to me! I have big plans for my peeps! I made Wreaths (reeths for special friends) with peeps "Happeep Spring!" Not to peep my own peep but is that clever or is that clever? Peep frames - to peepessorize my peeps! Peeps earrings...Peep necklace...Peep garlands "Hanging with my peeps" PeepGPS "Where my peeps at?"... Peep hairbands "Peep-a-bow".... Peep lingerie "Peep show"
I'm gonna be famous for my peeps...ya'll just watch out. My peeps will be buggin yo!!
Peeps out.
Oh. And don't be tryin to take my ideas and do them yourself. Uh-uh. Don't go there. This is in writing on the internet and time stamped....I will know that it was not your idea and I will sue for partial peeps income. Muahahahahahahaha
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya