Why do males think poop and anatomy is so funny?

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Bubba poop

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Papa poop

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Poo poo pee pee

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Pee pee butt crack

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Poo poo caca

My 2 1/2 and I's converstation this evening. He and Wylde (and I at them) thought these were hilarious!!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Really strawberries? Really? I call shenanigans.

I bought 2 packages of strawberries today. They are in season. They looked delicious! Of course they come prepackaged in those delightful clear plastic containers.  I thought I was deligent in looking for the best strawberries but apparently not! I feel like in the 2 packages I purchased, I really only got less than one package of good strawberries! I call shenanigans! I think they deliberately load up these containers with half rotten strawberries, turned in such a way that you can't tell that they are rotten. That way they make money off of rotten fruit! If they let us pick our own strawberries by the pound like all the other fruit and vegetables, they would lose money from all the rotten strawberries that no one wants!  If anyone knows a strawberry farmer, could you let me know on the down low? I want to infiltrate the strawberry business and expose these rotten scoundrels for the rotten strawberries they are.  I also wonder why they put such a soft fruit in those packages... when you put them so close together, they are bound to get soft spots. Is there some sort of coalition against us having fresh, perfect strawberries in abundance?  I, again, call sheninigans. Remember, on the down low, give me details about any known strawberry farmers. Also, you might let me know what a strawberry farmer looks like. I want to make sure I blend in. Thanks. If you don't hear from me via, blog or facebook - you know they caught on... alert the media.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

He doesn't read it anyway.

I love my husband very much. I truly do. But let's have a little chat, between you and me....about the hubby. He is OBNOXIOUS when he drinks. Kim, Jarred? You with me? I seriously thought he was gonna start a fight last night because the jukebox wouldn't play his music (it played country music instead which only fueled the issue! and was HILARIOUS) Then he gets beligerent with a mini van on the way home because he thought they had their brights on and stayed in my lane directly behind me on a 3 lane highway. I think he flipped them off for a solid 2 minutes before I put his hand down.
And then the next day....of course he has to be an asshole and not have a hangover. I drank maybe 3 beers the whole night and have a headache and am tired. He drank a gallon of vodka and redbull, no hangover. Bullshit.  However, the 2 orders of nachos with jalapenos didn't settle too well with his butt. I think he deserves it. Mind you. I love my husband.
At this point I want to bring something up....I may have mentioned it before but it still lays heavy on my mind.  I used to ask Chett to do stuff to which his reply would be "Yeah, I'll do it but first I have to poop." Poop - is code for "hell no, I'm not gonna do anything. I'm gonna disappear into the bathroom for 20 minutes and read a magazine and get out of doing whatever it is you asked me to do."
I FINALLY caught on and told him one day that I was sick of him "pooping" all the time! His "pooping" was coming between us and making me very upset.  If he continued to "poop" I was considering calling a doctor for his "gastro-intestinal issues".  To which he was flabbergasted and has now reduced his "pooping."  So to all you ladies out there, Don't let "pooping" ruin your life. Do your duty and make him accountable for his doodie.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Meringue my day away!

So, I have to confess. I have never made a lemon meringue pie before today.  Super easy right. Except I think in the time it took me to make meringue I could have painted the Sistine Chapel and conceived and birthed a baby.  Who in their right mind came up with this idea?
Hmmmm, I'm only gonna use half of this egg beat it sensless, add some sugar and beat it until I am almost dead, at which time I will bake it slightly until it turns brown. At this time I will die and leave my successor the recipe to this delicious confection. Have fun. Make often and think of me...
Now that I think of it, most food is like that. Who in their right mind thought, gee this green hairy ball looks delicious, let's have a bite. Mmmmm, kiwi.
Seriously though - meringue takes FOREVER. Of course since I had never made it, I used my hand mixer. Which after having a smoke is taking a nap. As soon as the travel agents open on Tuesday I'm gonna buy it a vacation to the bahamas.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I must be doing a good job?

Wylde says "First is the worst, second is the best..." or "last one out is a rotten egg!" I always try to sound as sad and upset that I am first or last every single time. Then out of the blue he says to me yesterday, "I'll be the rotten egg today Mama so you don't always have to be."
Is that not the sweetest thing?
Since Dayne has started talking up a storm he has started saying "Thank you!" I cleaned his room today and rearranged things to better organize it. He comes in when it is all done and gasps and says "Thank you, Mama!" Then I told him I loved him and he says, "I know."
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Did you watch the American Idol finale? SPOILER ALERT...

How many cows did they kill to clothe the contestants tonight? I think every single one of them wore leather at least twice! Even their parents were dressed in leather! Speaking of parents, was that Mr. Bill in Crystal Bowersox's dads pocket? Oh, no! Mr. Bill! WTF?
When did Hall and Oates turn into men I wouldn't want at the park with my kids? Weird sunglasses, flannel shirt? Freaky facial hair...
Go down "with you to" a theatre? Really? Those aren't the words!! Alanis Morisette still kicks ass though.
Carrie Underwood....I dare say is the best thing to come out of American Idol...even more than Kelly Clarkson, I think...she is HOT. Maybe it was the leather pants.
Oh, and I am not supposed to tell anyone how much Chett likes American Idol!  Shhh, don't tell him I told you! Watching it with him is kinda like that Twilight Roast I went to...he has a comment for EVERYTHING.
BRETT MICHELS? Isn't he supposed to be sick? Is it really okay for him to be on American Idol? I don't want to watch because I think he might throw a clot or something.... I recently saw a pic of Brett without eyeliner.  Awkward!!
Chicago really isn't any good without Peter Cetera...
Was it just me or did it look like Kelly Clarkson did not want to be there?
Speaking of Kelly Clarkson...I think Reuben lost his weight and Kelly found it. Shame on me.
JANET JACKSON!? Holy shit. Where's her hair? Does she try to sound like Michael now? Uncanny. That freaks my shit out. Right?! Weird. So weird. Where's my fast forward. I can't watch this...
OMG spoeaking of throwing a clot...Joe Cocker. Is he okay?
LEE??? I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Great, now I have guilt.

So Wylde stomps out of his room the other night and says "You forgot to spray my monster spray!" Monster spray is just some body spray I spray around his room to keep the monsters away....they HATE sweet smelling childrens room! wink wink...So, I say "well just spray it yourself!" I mean afterall I was trying to FARM, how dare he interrupt my harvesting pumpkins!  He says, after rolling his eyes, "but last time I sprayed the monster spray all by myself I sprayed it in my eyes." For a 5 year old the indignation in that phrase was astounding. I will never forget to spray the monster spray again. Guilt trips are long lonely trips.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Me? Drunk blog?

I had a revelations tonight.
1. I am so glad that God put me in this fat body because if I had been healthy and skinny, I would be such a  conceited mean bitch!
2. Pretty Wild is the dumbest show ever. Really? you have a stripper pole in your house? Really? your mom home schools you? Really? Your mom teaches you how to pose for playboy? Really?
3. My new favorite word is: DUMB. Stupid is so 1990's... Why did I take this road? I am so DUMB.
4. I wonder if tomorrow when you respond to this and I remember that I wrote this, I will think, I am so DUMB! Why did I drink and blog? or will I think. . . OMG I am so smart, funny!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

a womb with a view

So my youngest Dayne would rather go to bed in his own room (albeit at his own time) but he wakes up in the morning and either wants to get in bed with me or rudely pulls the covers off of me and tells me to "UP NOW!, Me EAT!" However when he wants to "sleep" with me I think it be easier if I could just unzip the womb and have him curl up in there. He has to be on my pillow, a hand on each cheek, his feet under my fat roll. I also have to be "hugging" him and his head has to be touching me. It takes all morning for him to get comfy all the while taking breaks and screaming at me to scratch his back, rub his tummy, scratch his arms, scratch his legs. I am half asleep and merely complying, hoping that this torture will end soon so I can go back to sleep for just another 5 minutes at least.  Tonight I put up the baby gate - in his door frame. Muahahahahaha, no more getting out of bed all night (while Chett and I are still awake, watching TV in the living room) to tell us he peed, he needs juice (he gets a small amount of water) that he wants to watch a different movie, that he wants to sleep with bubba yada yada yada etc etc etc omg....So I put the gate up. He is currently up there yelling his needs into to the air. My secret happiness is that he can't get out of the room until I get him out or until Wylde pulls the gate down. Either way I will be up and my womb will have been intruder free! Woot!!!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

What a potty mouth!

I thought it was SO cute this morning. I was changing Dayne's poopy diaper and he was saying Daya, Daya, Daya. I said, "That's right! Mama's name is Daya." Chett has been working with him to say our names... and he said "No, butt daya."  and pointed to his butt at which point I realized he was saying "diarrhea". He did in fact have diarrhea on his butt. Lovely.


 Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

OMG Men really shouldn't really look for anything!!!

Today. Mothers Day 2010...Chett and Dayne go for a ride. It was a small ride just around the block. they get back and it seems Chett can't find his house keys. The last time he remembers seeing them they were on the bumper. THE BUMPER OF THE CAR HE JUST DROVE. Great. So he goes for a walk, comes home empty handed. I say....let's CSI it! I'll put my keys on your bumper and you follow me and see where they fall off!! This seemed like my AHA! moment of the day. I felt like freackin Catherine off of CSI Las Vegas except with bigger boobs, blonde hair and with saddly smaller lips.  So, I put my keys, with key pad lock and unlock thingy on it and what not, on the bumper of the car and take off. THEY STAY ON! clear out the driveway (over our bump) UP the road. I stopped at the stop sign got out, look, they are still there. I wait for Chett. Another car pulls up behind me so I wave them on. They stop and roll down their windows. "You have keys on your bumper!" "Yeah." I say, eyes rolling "I put them there." Gees. I turn the corner in the car and feel the keys fly off so since it is a busy road (let me repeat...busy road) I turn into a driveway and get out and immediately see Chett's keys in the middle of the road and about 5 feet behind his, are mine. Also in the middle of the busy road. Never in my CSI euphoria did I invision my keys getting masacred by cars! I frogger the traffic and gracefully swipe the keys. 2 of Chett's keys are bent in half. My key pad thingy is in pieces.
After all that....his keys were in the middle of the fucking road ya'll. I mean really?  Never send a man to look for anything.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I wouldn't necessarily call it arachnophobia...

Okay. I don't mind spiders from afar. I can watch them on TV. I liked reading Charlotte's Web as a child.
There was a spider on my kitchen ceiling yesterday. Only the children and I were home. I have vaulted ceilings. I figured if it stayed high, I wouldn't bother it, it wouldn't bother me.  Then I made the mistake of saying something flippant like "Hey, Wylde, I wonder if this spider will crawl into your room tonight while you are sleeping." He starts crying. What the fuck was I thinking? Seriously. Now not even I will be able to sleep knowing that spider is wandering around the house. Oh wait. Here it comes. I can reach it with a broom.  I stick a paper towel to the end of the broom and went to stab it. I missed. I stab it again. I missed. I scream. It falls to the top of the cabinets. I get a chair. I go to crush it with a paper towel. I miss and crush it with my finger! I immediately jump from the chair and do the "Yay, Dayne went potty in the potty!" dance except this is the "OMG I just touched a hairy spider with my finger!" dance - they are essentially the same but the facial expressions are WAY different! I finally get it!!!!!! and go to crush it inside the paper towel but can feel it crushing. I scream - again - and drop the paper towel. It is so dead. Thank the chocolate and peanut butter combination makers.
If that hadn't of been so excrutiating, it would have been funny.


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Maybe naked days aren't so good?

2 days in a row poop went in the potty!!!! I feel like a big kid now!!! Oh wait. This isn't about me. For once. Dayne, my 2 1/2 yr old for those who may not know! For 2 days he has been telling me that he needs to go poop and he goes and sits on the potty and poops!!! He will go pee when he poops (the first day he peed on the rug, I swatted him with the newspaper) so the first day I left him free of pants and diaper! I did that with Wylde because they know they can't pee on the floor so they will run to the bathroom. If I put clothes or underwear on them they wet them, if I put pull ups on them they use them like diapers. So....I leave Dayne naked from the bottom down. I tell him..."Remember, no peeing on the floor! When you pee, you pee in the potty!" I put a towel down on the couch do catch any dingleberries. I go upstairs to get the phone I come back down stairs *you know what happens next don't you?* and he was sitting on the cushion next to the one with the towel and had peed on the couch.  Anyone want an exceptionally ornery boy with the cutest dimples to potty train and return back to me? Please contact me via email. Thanks.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Feliz Cinco De Mayo To Me!!!

So my fire alarm thingy has been telling me for about a month now that I need to change the battery. However, that is easier said than done because it is the one in the kitchen, the one on the 15 foot (at least) ceiling - we only have a 6 foot ladder.  At first it only beeped about once every 5 hours which was barely noticeable and not annoying in the least but now it beeps about once a minute. Yesterday I considered putting the ladder on 2 chairs but thought that might be a bad idea with only me and the kids here. Chett thought it was a bad idea period. He suggested shooting it with a short round shot gun (he said since it is a short round it won't go through the ceiling), I thought that was a bad idea.  Today I tried standing on a chair and standing on my tip toes and beating it with a broom. It is still beeping incessantly. I hate the fact that I may have to rent a ladder for 10 minutes to change a damn battery! The more my eye twitches the more I think the shot gun sounds like a good idea! Then it hits me. It IS a FIRE alarm and I WILL kill myself trying to change the battery so I figure I might as well see if the fire dept will help me out. I call them. They help me! Wylde was at the neighbors- he had no clue. He saw the fire trucks in front of the house (they sent a police car and a fire truck and then a different fire truck with a different ladder) thought something was wrong and bawled his eyes out!
The beeping is gone. You can't see me right now but I'm doing cart wheels.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Am I insensitive?

Someone in Gardner has lost a Chihuahua and the picture they have used for the "lost" picture looks like a professional picture of the Chihuahua wearing a tutu! I laugh everytime I see it because it reminds me of that cartoon of that large woman who lost her chihuachua and it is in her butt! Then I think how insensitive I must be and  I look harder for the little dog!So the poster really works! No matter how much it makes me laugh. I still haven't found the dog though...and I have looked in a lot of butts.


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Me Dude!

I wanna know who taught Dayne what a "Dude" was and I want to know NOW! He thinks wearing a headband like a sweatband is considered a "Dude"! I tried to put sunglasses on him and told him "now that was a cool Dude!" and he said "no me dude!" and he ran and got a head band and put it on Richard Simmons style and said "now me Dude!" So to whoever has been sweatin it to the oldies with Dayne or suggesting "let's get physical" it's not funny.  Okay. Well it is funny. But don't tell Chett I said that.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I just can't catch a break!

My sister used to let me stay up and watch Johnny Carson in her room but in payment I had to scratch her back. My husband constantly has me scratch his back. During nap time I have to strategically place myself so that I am to scratch both boys backs at the same time while also being able to lay down. I get on the computer and my cat sticks her back in my face and sits on the computer. Then the other day I get Taco Bell and my mild taco sauce says....Will you scratch my back?
Really?  I think scratching backs is what I must have been put on this earth to do!


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I would have never thought she was a psychopath, she was so nice and quiet.

I totally thought she was a psychopath!  Maybe it was the wide eyed never blinking stare? The sweet ever smiling one tooth missing grin?  The fact that we were at a "witches coven"? The red hair? No offense Candy - maybe it is because she is a librarian? Whatever it is I know she is going to slice my throat and steal my kidneys while I am sleeping tonight.
She was too nice, too smart, too quiet, too talkative, too weird...too something....I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not the only one that thought so either! My neighbor thought so too. So if you don't hear from me on Facebook or blogging for awhile....you know the redheaded librarian witch killed me while I slept and stole my kidneys. Probably ate them too. Or planted some trees on them. Wait....that's placentas...nevermind.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya