Wow.

Let me just say.... I wrote my depressing blog so that it may help someone else who was suffering and also it helps to talk out ones feelings. I had no idea that I would be helped out so much by everyone else!  The mass amounts of support and flattery were immense and felt deeply! It helped me come to the conclusion that everyone has feelings and everyone has the capability to feel sad and depressed. People skinnier than me, richer than me etc have felt depressed and honestly I didn't know that was possible. I was feeling guilty for being depressed because I have a nice house, I have a supportive and loving family, I have a husband that tells me often how beautiful I am.  I no longer feel guilty. I bet at least 80% of the population have felt depressed and contemplated self harm.  What's good is that I can talk about it, that i am getting help and with the help of my family (facebook family included) and friends, I now have optimism again that being "happy" isn't out of the question.
I do feel guilty for causing so much sadness and confusion.  Everyone has low points and I am sure I hit rock bottom. However, I think my journey to the bottom was short.  I feel like half of my month is spent battling depression but the other half I feel more myself.  I need to figure out what works for me and that in itself will be a journey with ups and downs! 
My husband has realized that depression is serious.  I hope that his current behavior and attitude are not short lived.  I appreciate all his hugs and reassurance. I hope also that my honesty and openess positively affects my children. Wylde has been emotional and self depricating of late and I fear that it is in response to my depression. He and I are going to seek the help of a therapist together. I think nothing but health and happiness can result in doing that together.
I am also paying more attention to myself.  These passed few days I have been able to tell when I need a break, take a deep breath, get out of the house. I have been more motivated. I wore an outfit chett thought was "fruity" because I liked it.  I didn't care what he or anyone else thought. I did things for me, that I wanted to do for myself. It feels awesome.
Hello, My name is Daya and I suffer from Depression. Whoopty do.

Merry Everything,
Daya

Today is a new day.

I feel better today, albeit a bit frazzled. I hate leaving the house for a few days without it being spotless. I got the floors mopped yesterday and the boys rooms cleaned, dishes done. However I still need to clean bathrooms and vaccuum. Chett was adamant about cleaning the bathrooms himself and vaccuuming but I think it is a pity clean... just saying he will clean to make me feel less stressed but he never does as good a job as I do. I also don't want him to clean just because I had a meltdown. I am still quite capable of cleaning. It will be amazing to come home for Christmas to a clean house and know that I can relax and let the mayhem of kids and presents go on without stress.
Also, the outpour of support and enouragement and flattery is pretty nice as well. It is hard to hear some of those things, as Julia Roberts says in Pretty Woman "the hard things are easier to believe". My husband constantly tells me I am beautiful too. I have learned not to roll my eyes and to just smile and say thanks. I feel like I have a pretty face but everything else is meh.  So I definitely need to work on my self image. Yesterday may have been bad but it was just an angry I feel so upset kind of day, it has been much worse so I know the meds are kicking in.
I am also getting away from the house and kids for a couple days for some much needed time with one of my best girlfriends! that ought to be good for the soul.  Thankfully I have an amazing family that are willing to help me out and be there for me when I need them!
I feel like there is hope today for happiness and that is something I haven't felt for awhile. I want to thank all of you for the kind and encouraging words. It means so much to have such a grand support system that I didn't know I had. 

Merry Everything,
Daya

Not for the faint of heart but good therapy.

So. I am having a bad day today. My phone has updated itself and I was having issues with it, so Chett messed with it and I have lost all my most important phone numbers. I had them in "groups": wyldes contacts, doctor contacts, friends, family....all gone. No idea where they are. Seems pretty minor but here I am crying about it. I am FREAKING out about it.
I am sure if you have read my previous blogs that you know I have a problem with depression and anxiety. But I want to talk about it more. 
Why? Well, I hear if you talk about it more, get your feelings out that it makes you feel better. It may also help someone that is going through similar issues. I know for a fact that I am not the only one out there with these feelings.
If you don't want to read depressing stuff than please read no further.
Today as I sit here. It is a bad day. Tears flow like niagra. I have no desire to shower, to move from this space, to talk to anyone. I want to be alone, maybe in a hole somwhere.  I wish it were dark and I wish I had my blanky to wrap around my head and scream and cry into.
I take meds. I see a psychiatrist but finding meds that suit me have been hard to find. The Celexa gave me hallucinations.  The Zoloft - well I don't remember about it but it didin't work.    The Cymbalta didn't work and made me feel car sick. The Wellbutrin gave me a seizure. The Prozac helped the anxiety (I was having panic attacks and pulling hair and having bouts of OCD) but too much of it made me feel like a zombie. I am currently on Paxil and it seems to be helping, although it takes time to build up in my system.  It hasn't built up in my system yet.
In the meantime...I feel like a big fat ugly waste of space.  Before I saw my psychiatrist the last time I had planned out my suicide.  Knew exactly how i would do it. Had it all rationalized, everyone would be sad, sure but they have families, they will forget about me and move on. Chett would find someone better, skinnier, more sexual, more patient to marry and mother my boys. My boys, they are so young, they would get over the death of their mother and love another. Apparently I am not a good mother anyway right, they are both ADD and out of control most times.  I can't even manage the finances. All I ever wanted to be was a stay at home mom. My entire life all I ever wanted was to have children and create the perfect house. I can't even do that, a failure. So why live.  Then I think about Mom. My mom. Then I breakdown. I could leave everyone else but not her. It would crush her. I know it would. Out of anyone, even my sister - with her own kids and life, she would live on, be happy.  Mom would never be the same and then I can't do it. I quit planning and decide that I have to snap out of it. I have to put on a happy face and pretend that I am okay. 
I think I have suffered some amount of depression all of my life. When I ws a teenager I wanted to throw myself down the stairs and hope that I would break something severely enough to wind up in the hospital because I didn't want to be around people. I wanted to get away.
Then the kids came and post partum would hit me so hard. It just keeps getting worse.
I haven't been this honest with anyone really. I know that if my mom or my sister read this they might be a little shocked.  I told my husband part of it and he wanted to institutionalize me. How can I be completely honest and risk that? He is now trying to understand this depression and we communicate daily on how things are going.
I hate the way I look. I have gained so much weight that none of my clothes fit. So that doesnt' help. I don't want to leave the house because then I have to find something to wear.  I don't want to go to physical therapy because most of  the things he needs me to do are complicated by the size of my breasts and I get self conscious.
Everyone knows me as "the funny one" so I try not to talk about this with friends because I don't want to be "Daya Downer" (anyone familiar with the SNL skit? Debbie Downer?) I think people that talk about depressing things about themselves or otherwise are soul suckers. You get done talking to them and you yourself will feel sad and wiped out. I don't want to be that for anyone so then I think... I'm just a depressing, fat, unsuccessful waste of space.
I try to put my happy face on and be funny but it gets harder and harder. I have no idea who I am anymore. I care too much what everyone thinks of me.  My entire life I have always tried to be someone I wasn't.  In school I wanted to be popular, tried K-12 to be with the "in-crowd" with no success. I wanted to be a cheerleader but thought I was too fat to even try out. I was never the smartest, never the prettiest, never sporty. I went to college because that was what was expected of me. I wanted to be in a sorority but thought I wasn't outgoing enough. I studied a subject I knew I would be good at and not have to put much effort into.
I have no idea what I want to be in life. I know I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to be Daya Downer. I don't want to be pitied or patronized.
I just want to feel better. I want to know who I am and I want to celebrate that.  Does anyone out there know how to accomplish that?
I want a sleave tattoo, I want a pixie cut, I want braces (people with braces have the best mouths, I can spot them from a mile away) I want funky old fashioned glasses. I want to be unique and happy...
But I don't want people to think badly of me and talk behind my back/look down on me/look at me funny.... I want to express myself without any concern for the consequences. I want to wake up every day and wonder what that day will bring me instead of waking up every day wondering if I will cry or want to kill myself.
A good friend of mine has had similar issues and she knows whats going on so she has been calling me lately checking in on me. I asked her "Will I ever be truly happy?" "Truly happy? No, but content of course" so is that I what I have to look forward too? Life of contentment? Is that what people who suffer from depression really have to look forward too? "Live moment to moment, second to second" she says. I can do that.
I wrote on my chalk board "How do you want to feel today?" Today, I want to feel at peace.
I hope I haven't left you wiped out and sad but I think it helped me to have you hear with me just now. Thank you.


Merry Everything,
Daya

Am I supposed to know about the birds?

Am I supposed to know what happens to the birds in the winter? I know that geese fly south; what about the others?  They don't chirp and their bird baths are all frozen over. Do they hibernate? Do they also fly south, albeit quieter and less flamboyant than the geese?
As I was laying down the other day, relaxing with a book while the boys were at school, I heard chirping.  It was background noise that I heard but didn't "hear"... you get me? However, the book got boring so I noticed the chirping more. Thought to myself how nice it was to hear the birds, how nice it was that my house was quiet enough to hear such a beatufil sound.  As I tuned into the chirping, it occured to me that the chirping was steady, coming at about every 3 seconds or so. I tuned into it even more, steadying my breathing to here the bird because it was weird - like a clock almost. Oh gees. The chirping was coming everytime I breathed out - of my nose.
The bird wasn't a bird. It was my nose. My nose was chirping like a bird. I had no idea I was so unintentionally musically. I should start a band. That's what I will do, I will put on some cordouroy pants, bells on my socks and start a one man band.


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Me? Weird? No... Reallly?

So I had made crafts for this store and I was there leaving more wares and getting paid for the ones I had sold when my water broke. Thank goodness one of the other patrons there was my midwife! My Mom, Dad and Sister show up quickly. Even my deceased maternal grandma came! In her hospital gown, bedhead, no dentures and IV fluids tagging along.
I feel the baby is crowning and politely announce that the midwife needs to come hither because the baby is coming. I also had to pee REALLY bad (badly? not sure of the correct adverb here....) and wondered if I could go pee before I began birthing, otherwise i thought I might pee when I gave birth.  My grandma came to my side and told me she wanted to go shopping and that I was beautiful.
Again, I say "Hello, Midwife.... it's time!" Mom says, "I can see on the monitor that the baby is ready too!!"
I say, "I'm on a monitor? That's weird, not even the hospital put me on one of those!"  And immediatly she is by my side helping me breathe through the contractions so I can wait longer...
and then I woke up!

Forgot to mention that chett was no where around and the baby I was going to have was black. Dad was in his Sunday best, blue button down shirt and tie.

FYI: I am not pregnant and also did not take any acid...only the prescribed meds for me!

Merry Christmas!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Not so funny post but I think it needs to be put out there...

Due to recent events (my seizure) i have had to cut back on my meds until I see my psychiatrist again.  I take meds for a reason. Of course I do, that is a silly statement. Without the meds I am irritable, angry, bitchy etc. Everything is annoying, nobody can do anything right and I want to just be alone. 24/7.
So without half of the meds i was taking...here I am, bitchy, irritated. i don't want to leave the house. I'm fat. I'm tired. I want to be left alone. I feel like crying or killing someone, which ever comes first. I have a headache by every afternoon.
Thanksgiving is days away and I get to spend 4 days with people I love the most but I know it is going to be hard for me to enjoy them and I know it will be hard for them to enjoy me.  I have no idea what to do and my husband doesn't understand. I try explaining things to him and he says I would be happy if I was skinny and we had money.  Yes, honey I am sure that when I am skinny and rich I will want to stop pulling my hair out or crying 24/7 because the Christmas lights I put up today don't work or the cobwebs I asked you to take down 3 weeks ago are down but now sitting in piles on the mantle. I am sure i won't want to stab you the next time you take your shoes off in the middle of the living room or throw your coat on the table instead of hanging it anywhere. Yes. I am sure being skinny will make that all go away.
I am mostly writing this as a warning to my family that I am not feeling well. Also, if you know my husband you might try to explain this to him because he doesn't read my blogs and I don't even try to explain my mental well-being to him anymore.
Thanks.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Oh my boys.

They are amazing and amazingly ornery. 
Wylde persuaded Dayne to put the potty training potty seat on his head this morning. I know he persuaded him because the first words out of his mouth were "Dayne has the toilet seat stuck on his head and I didn't tell him to do it."  It took a while to get off and we cut his cheek and ear. As soon as we get it off Dayne says "Never never ever do that again."

Chett and I watched "Grown-ups" this weekend.  I told the kids it wasn't appropriate for them and that it was a Mommy and Daddy movie. Chett, however told them it was a really funny movie about peeing in the water and the water turning blue. That part of the movie is at the end... so as we go through stories about there being no tooth fairy, a 4 yr old breastfeeding,  half dressed women... and children screaming "I wanna see the blue pee water! I wanna see the blue pee water!!!" I decided I was right and Chett was wrong. Hmmm, his night to read and put the kids to bed. Have fun honey.

 Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Dayne Dayne Dayne

I could prolly go on and on and on about him, the funny things he says, etc.
He likes to eat Play dough.
He loves to sing (lately his song of Choice is Lady Gaga "Telephone"). He sings over and over and over again "I'm kinda busy, I'm kinda busy, I'm kinda busy"
When my toaster oven is not in use it sits on a shelf on my island. It is in a great spot for him to play with and since it isn't plugged in, I allow him to play with it. However, when Chett went to use it tonight he found a sock, some old stale bread and a little doll happy meal toy.  I may have to keep a closer eye on that.
He also decided today was no shirt day. Sure. Fine. Whatever.
He said at the dinner table tonight he was tired and laid his head on Chetts shoulder. After dinner the kids had bathes and then we put jammies on and the kids went to bed (after not answering questions about what a buzzkill was during the sex scenes of Glee).  The boys were both good and quiet and Chett and I knew they were asleep.Yeah right. I need to stop assuming with Dayne and just expect something ornery. He had snuck into Wyldes room and was sitting on Wyldes bed, while Wylde was asleep, and was playing Wylde's leapster.
I watered my Christmas cactus, and it was sitting in my sink. He helped me by drowning it or "watering" my plant some more. I hope it survives...that was my fault for leaving it within reach.
As I was cleaning this morning I hear him say he needs to go pee. Next then he says is that the pee won't come out. Um. WTF. "Dayne, we don't want the pee to come out into your pants anyway! Get into the bathroom and get your pee into the toilet!!!!" So he goes to the bathroom and comes back out and says "It came out!" Yay for small victories!
I went through this with Wylde, men with goatees are grandpas. Since both of the boys' grandpas have goatees it is a universal thing. It is still a little embarrassing though as we walk through a store and Dayne starts yelling, "Papa! Papa! Papa!" and I have to explain how just because he has a goatee doesn't make him his Papa.
Also explaining the hierarchy of family is so difficult! He was telling me today that Kostin (my nephew, his cousin) is awesome and his friend. I told him Kostin was his cousin. He asked if Kostin was my cousin and I said no Kostin is my nephew. So then we talked KyElle (my neice, his cousin) and how Mema Jojo is my mom and his grandma and then it got confusing to talk about how Daynes Dad's Dad is Papa Richard and so on. Finally I just resigned and said we were all friends and that it was time to nap!
He also decided today that he wanted to talk about boobies and "nickles" or nipples. Since he was shirtless he wanted to talk about his boobies. I told him women had boobies but men and boys have a chest. So then he wanted to discuss "nickles". Yes, mommy has nickles. Yes daddy has nickles. Yes Mema has nickles. Everyone has nickles. Yes Mommy has boobies. No daddy doesn't have boobies. Yes, Mema has boobies. No Papa has a chest, well...okay, he kinda has boobies.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Not ever?

Since my "incident" Wylde has tried to be extra helpful. Which doesn't help me at all. He comes out of the bathroom today to tell me that I won't ever have to clean the bathroom sink ever again. He cleaned it so good it was squeaky (with toothpaste).  He has also taken to rubbing my arm and being nicer to his brother. His rubbing my arm, is creepy. I have asked him to stop, please make him stop.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Don't eat that!

As we were visiting family the other day I told Dayne "We are going to meet Papa Richard for lunch."  Daynes says, "We're going to EAT PAPA for lunch???"
I say "Nonononono, We are going to go to the same place Papa is and sit with him and eat our lunch together!"

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

He is so dramatic!!

I LOVE my son! He was amazing when I got sick this past week.  However, he can be a little dramatic about it!!  I have heard him say that I had a heart attack. I have heard him say allergic reaction. I have heard him say I was bleeding out of my nose, eyes and mouth. (I think it was just my mouth - from biting my tongue).  I can only imagine what his teacher and classmates think happened!!!
When I was home and he was going to bed, he gave me a big hug and said "I'm glad you're okay Mom, but don't ever do that again cuz you really freaked me out!" I sure hope it never happens again! To him or me!!
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Really? Seriously? I'm kicking my own ass!

Apparently my body has an expiration date and it is slowly expiring! I think I am doing good by getting my flu mist vaccination. However, an hour later I have a seizure at Kohls; causing me to bite my tongue, hit my head and dislocate my shoulder. Then while I am at the primary care physicians office, she finds a heart murmur.  Today I spent the morning getting an MRI of my shoulder and head, and pulled a muscle in my thigh getting up from the table.
I am scared to move, I might break a hip next time. I better go back to the Dr and check for diverticulitis! If this is the way aging is going to go from here on out I don't think I like it. Heck, i don't think I will make it very long if I continue on this path.
Okay, that's not funny. Surely this is all some sort of fluke. Maybe this is my bodies way of saying - "Hey, fat ass!!! Go ahead and have another donut! It's okay we can handle it! NOT!" 
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I've never had laughing gas but I hear its great!

However for Dayne it made him a little aggressive/grumpy!  If you don't know already here is the back story. I was cooking dinner/doing dishes while the boys played "puppy". I am not entirely sure what "Puppy" is but it entails a boy on all fours and a soccer ball. Needless to say Dayne was on all fours and Wylde had the ball. With his super human strength he kicked the ball and broke Dayne's canine/incisor tooth, in half, clear to the root!
We went to our normal dentist then she referred us to a pediatric dentist so wemt to him. He said he has been in this business since 1968 and can't think of ever seeing a canine tooth broken in half. These are one of the strongest teeth and are the last to lose. Since Dayne's root was exposed it really couldn't be fixed without risking decay or damage to the permanent tooth behind it. So we pulled it. Hence the laughing gas.
He was a terrific boy the entire time but towards the end he wanted to talk and in order for him to talk he wanted to sit up and he wanted the Dr's hands out of his mouth! He kept trying to sit up and talk, not just chit chat talk but animated loud excited talk about Halloween and Bobs (aka monkeys). Then on the way home he refused to have the music on, did not want me smiling at him and complained that his "dimple was cold". i have a feeling that today is gonna be "one of those days"!!! Anyone wanna keep Wylde this afternoon and Dayne and I will just nap the rest of the day.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Baby Kara

Aunt B and KyElle handed down a baby a long time ago to Dayne but the batteries were dying. I finally got around to replacing the batteries yesterday!  He carried around the baby all day and held her in the car while I buckled both of them into the car seat.
He asked me what her name is and I asked him what her name should be and he said "Ummm.....Tara" I thought OMG because Brenna wanted to name me Tara Tuba and here he is naming his baby Tara. Not that the name Tara is bad but I thought, why does that name keep popping up? So I say "Tara, is a pretty name!" and he says "No! Not Tara, TARA" oh yeah...speech impediment....so I take a stab considering we had just driven by our neighbors and say "Kara?" "Yes! Tara" he says. Then he sighs and says, "Mama, I wish Tara was a real baby." Ahh!! So I said, "We can't make Kara real but maybe someday Mama will have a real baby!" He smiles SO BIG and says "THANK YOU MAMA!!! I LOVE YOU!"

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

On a sad note... not sad, uplifting.

As I was laying down with Dayne today to take a nap, my mind wandered and I began to write a book in my head. The forward is as follows.  Should anyone want to illustrate the book, edit or publish the book please let me know!

Bullying has been a disease amongst our society since the word was invented.  With multiple media in which to bully and ridicule, teen suicide is at an all time high. Sure schools and law enforcement try to get involved but by then it is usually too little, too late.  In my opinion the bullying has only gotten worse.  As a parent this saddens and enrages me. Children are so cruel. So I have taken it upon myself to write a book, to take a stand. The bullying stops with me.  As parents I think it is our responsibility to raise a child that for one, would never bully and two has the self esteem and support to never be affected by it. Sticks and stones may break their bones but words should never hurt them.


Once upon a time there was a little boy named Wylde. Wylde was the most outgoing, friendly 5 year old anyone had ever known.  He knew Kira up the street, Dakota across the street, Carol, Emily, Lathan and Jacob next door.  He was best friends with his whole Kindergarten class and his whole soccer team wanted to be his best friend.
On one beautiful sunny day as Wylde and his mom walk home from school, he didn't talk as much as usual.  His mom asked "Wylde, you seem sad, that makes me sad. Why are we so sad?" Wylde replied, "I'm not sad Mom, just tired."
The next day, after a long nights sleep and an afternoon at school as Wylde and his mom walk home from school, Wylde still seems sad. Again, Mom says "Wylde, you seem sad. When you're sad that makes me sad. Why are we so sad?" Wylde again replied, "I'm not sad Mom, I'm just still tired."
Worried about her naturally talkative and animated little boy, Mom talks to Dad that evening. Together they sit down with Wylde and say, "Wylde, we love you very much, we have loved you since the day we knew you were coming. We think something is bothering you and wish that you would share that with us."
Reluctantly Wylde tells them how he isn't the fastest runner, the smartest in class, the richest boy, or even the tallest boy in class. Wylde says some kids at recess that he didn't even know were calling him names. He was sad and everday was the same. Even though he had told his teacher that the older kids were teasing him they weren't in his class and he didn't know their names and nothing could be done.
Mom and Dad look at each other and both turn to Wylde and  together give him a giant hug. Mom says "Wylde, do you know what all of your friends have in common?" Wylde shakes his head. "You! There may always be someone better than you, smarter than you but you are the best you in the whole world. There will never be another Wylde, another you. I love you, your friends love you, your Dad loves you, your Grandmas love you, your Grandpa's love you." Mom lifts Wylde's chin and says "If you woke up tomorrow and were purple or 5 years from now decide to be a turtle. I will love you and support you. Your father and I are your biggest fans. Nobody should ever change the way you feel about yourself." Dad adds "Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words should never hurt you. We are always here no matter what and if someone says mean words just walk away and no that you are the best and only you in the whole world and are loved by many, always."
Always looking for a teaching moment, Mom adds, "Let this also be a lesson! You know now what bullying and mean words can do and feel! If you know someone that is sad, let them know that they are the best and only them in the whole world and never make anyone feel the way that they made you."  After another hug and a game of Chutes and Ladders, Wylde is snug in his bed, with a smile on his face and confidence in his heart.


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

A new name??

It is torture picking out a name for your child, one that won't get them picked on, one that won't be hard to pronounce or strange...
I thought Wylde was a pretty cool name....very hard to make fun of, No? It has proven to be hard to pronounce for some which I never expected.
Then Wylde says to me yesterday, "When I get older, like 6 or sumping (thats how his something sounds) I am gonna change my name to Chett." I say "Why would you want to do that? Don't you like your name?"  He says "Kids will make fun of me and call me Wylde lion or sumping like that and I won't like it."
I told him that he could go by his middle name (Wesley) if he didn't like his first name to which he said "and go by Wesley Wylde? I don't think so" as he rolls his eyes at me. 

I kinda like Wylde lion...sounds strong and manly...I think Wylde sounds like a Rockstar. Surely someday he will appreciate it? Right?

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

For those of you who didn't go on vacation with us...

So the boys and I just went to Branson with my Mom and Dad, Sister, her husband and her 2 kids!
While there we go and see Kirby the Magician! He asks for a young volunteer to come on stage and help him and we all tell wylde to raise his hand!!! He gets picked!!!! Wylde is usually so outgoing and entertaining I thought there couldn't be a better pick!
Kirby: What's you name?
Wylde: Wylde
Kirby: Wylde?
Wylde: Yes
Kirby: How old are you?
Wylde: 5
Kirby: Where are you from?
Wylde: Gardner
Kirby: Gawdna? What state is that?
Wylde: shrugs...
Kirby: Have you ever been called Wyldenator?
Wylde: No.
and then he has him do some things on stage like pound on glass that he is going to walk through to make sure it is real and what not. Wylde is unusually quiet and sober.  He gets a bunch of free stuff and comes back to sit!
On the way home from the show Wylde says, "I didn't want to go up on stage"
Me: What? Why? I thought you would love al that attention!!!
Wylde: But I'm not magical! I can't do any magic!
Oh silly boy. To be so young and naive! I explained that he was indeed magic and that Kirby just needed his help. mom and I explained that magic on stage is just like the fake stuff on TV - blood isn't blood, fights aren't fights etc...just an illusion, same as Kirby; if he wants to be magic, all he has to do is learn and he can do anything he wants.

On a side note....we had to get our picture taken as we were going to sit down. The picture was pretty pricey but Mom couldn't stop laughing at it she had to buy it. The image of Wylde smiling in the front row was just too funny. Maybe she will scan it or something so everyone can see. I don't think I have ever seen a bigger, more animated smile on anyone in my life.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Who is yelling at 4am??

So Chett and I stay up until after 4am last night watching the first season of Glee (we made it to episode 12)!
I think Chett just enjoys all the scantily clad cheerleaders and dancing! However, just as we are going to bed, Dayne wakes up to go pee (how he can wake up and go pee but can't pee in the toilet while awake I will never know). He goes pee, and then says, "I don't want to lay down anymore" so he comes to sit with us. 5 minutes later episode 12 is over and I tell him it is time for bed. He wants to watch Dora, fine fine, whatever. Okay, everyone is tucked in bed and ready to sleep (we have windows open due to nice weather) and I hear a male call my name from outside! I immediately think one of my neighbors is in trouble and couldn't get ahold of me on the phone and thought to run and get me would be quicker! My heart jumps and I sit up to wait and hear it again...."MAP!" oh....wait... that didn't sound anything like "DAYA!"  Turns out Dayne was just consumed in the audience involvement of Dora!
So now I wonder, how conceited am I to think the neighbors would need me so desperately in the middle of the night to come running to my house screaming my name at open windows? Oh well. Beats self loathing any day of the week!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Can't think of a fancy title so just read it.

Dayne tells me today he has a booboo. He lifts up his leg and says "See, a chicken bite."  It was indeed a "chicken bite" aka chigger bite. 

Dayne cried for 10 mintues today because I told him his Mema Dodo and Mema Julie were girls and had vaginas, not penis'!  He was totally okay with me having a vagina though. Don't know what that means.


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

You would think I would have learned after the key incident!

So....Chett was on call last week, meaning his cell phone could ring at anytime!  He went outside to mow and I was left with strict instructions on making sure the phone was with me at all times. That's all fine and dandy until the kids and I decided to go outside as well and enjoy the nice afternoon.  Knowing that Chett would scoff at me putting his phone on the concrete, perchance it may scratch it, I put his phone on the back of his car. Do you guys know where this is going?
Yep. Turns out the mower needed a part and Chett took off in his car. The kids and I go inside, we are in Daynes room and I see Chett is back from Wal-Mart, when it hits me. He took his CAR. His phone was on the car! I run outside and say..Um...did you happen to take your phone with you to Wal-Mart? No, he says and off I go to walk. I know exactly where the phone will be, due to the last incident of things being on the bumper of the car. Sure enough. There it lies on busy Moonlight, in pieces. Someone runs over it even I as cross the road to get it.  Ooops. Um. Needless to say Chetts phone is DOA. Luckily he has another one for back-up that I promptly rushed inside to activate. Sorry, honey. If you weren't so uptight about scratches, this wouldn't have happened! :)

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Really, Dayne!?!?!

So Wylde had his case manager over this morning to play games and chit chat. She often brings games that Dayne can play too so he doesn't feel left out!
We are all sitting at the kitchen table playing games and out of nowhere Dayne says "Mommy's vagina has blood in it!" she didn't understand what he was saying and since he was playing with somehting red she assumed he was saying something about "red". He repeated it 3 times and I finally said, "That's mommy's private business" to which I know that then she was REALLY confused.  He stopped saying it and I could see on her face then that she was like...what was he saying that was private Mommy business...

I felt like telling her what he was saying just so she wouldn't be confused because it isn't like it's a secret that my vagina has blood in it once a month. But, really, Dayne?!! Do you not have other things to talk about?
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I almost forgot to tell you!

So hubby and I watch "The Last Song" last night. As the movie is starting it is telling the names of the people in the movie...you know what I am talking about. I am upstairs getting some popcorn and Chett says Nick Lachey must be hard up for money. (He was trying to be funny saying that Nick was a minor part in a movie - which he would be lucky to have if you ask me). I know a lot of you probably don't know who Nick Lachey is. He was married to Jessica Simpson and was in the band 98 degrees, he has been in some reality shows and bit parts in other TV shows.  Anyway, I wonder the whole movie when Nick Lachey is going to come on screen. Wondering what lame acting role he has been given.  He wasn't in the movie! I wonder, did I miss him? Was he an extra during the volleyball game? So I watch the credits at the end of the movie to see what he played. It wasn't Nick Lachey, It was Nick Lashaway. WTF.  I don't even know who that guy is and he certainly isn't Nich Lachey. What a dumbass.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I wasn't there!

I am going to retell a story that my Mom told me. I wasn't there so I won't be able to give any specifics or anwswer any questions!
As you all know, Dayne is potty training. He does pretty good. On a good day he will pee all day in the potty but poop in his pants. I have tried not to put pressure on him because I know that can be detrimental.  I told him after the 5th time he has pooped in his pants that if he wants to wear his diapers I would rather him poop in his diaper than poop in his panties!  I feel like he gets it, he repeats everytime we put on his panties "No poop on Elmo, no pee on Elmo!" (note: he wears Elmo panties) but alas, then he pees or poops on Elmo. The diaper thing seemed to work though. When he had to go poop he told me he wanted to put a diaper on!Eureka! I put him on the potty instead of putting on a diaper and he poops in the potty! WOOT!
Then he goes to Mema's for the weekend. He has a pee accident but he had been playing and we think he prolly just forgot. Then, Mom notices Dayne by the swingset, outside. He's got his pants and panties completely off. She goes to him. "Uh, Dayne, what are you DOING?" Dayne says, "I pooped" Yes. Yes he did. He pooped outside, right in front of the swingset is a nice sized clump of poop. It was on his legs, his feet and right in the area of traffic of kids playing.  Not only did mom have to clean Dayne up but she had to clean the yard up as well! I'm kinda proud of him though. He didn't poop in his panties afterall!!!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

He gets it from his brother!

Of course Dayne idolizes his big brother! He will try and say, be and do everything Wylde does. For example Daynes vocabulary.... things are "awesome", said just like his brother! Another often used phrase is "Can I get that for my birthday?" This phrase is used 100 times at the store or while watching TV.  However, Wylde just had his birthday and Dayne's is coming up! I have been paying close attention then to what Dayne is asking for, for his birthday. While at Sam's Club he wanted the play set, the popcorn maker, crackers, candy, olive oil, juice, chips, pillows and I don't remember what else.  While watching TV last night he wanted "Just For Men" hair color and a "Baby Alive". I am sure whether he is weird or just doesn't really get the concept....

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

According to Dayne...

I asked Dayne yesterday, "Where did you get those dimples?"
Dayne: "In my room!"
Daya: "Haha, where in your room?"
Dayne: "Under the bed!"
Daya: "No silly, those dimples are where the angel kissed you when you were born!"
Dayne: "Angel bite me?"
Daya: "No! They didn't bite you! they kissed you!"
Dayne: "Why?"
Daya: "Because you are blessed!"
Dayne: "Why?"
Daya: "Oh nevermind."


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I can't believe nobody said anything!

This Sunday, chett and I had his family over for dinner to celebrate his Dad's birthday! We made ribs and I made orange fluff and crab puffs and chocolate swirl cheesecake and Mandy made sugar cookies and pork loin and corn on the cob. It was a helluva feast!! Chett's family are iced tea drinkers so I made a huge batch of tea as well.
Let's talk about this tea for minute. The day before we had gone to Sams Club and i had gotten a huge variety pack of tea! Included were such flavors and Vanilla Chai, Spiced Chai, Lemon Tea etc...I thought hmmmm, Lemon tea would be great for our dinner!! So I brewed a 3qt batch of lemon tea! I used every single bag of lemon tea I had. (6 tea bags). as soon as it is ready I pour myself a huge glass!  I take a drink.  What the fuck is this shit? It tastes like cinnamon tea with a minor hint of lemon after taste. It was rather funky!!! I don't have any other tea to make into iced tea. all the other is black/chai tea. Then it hits me. Duh. Why would there be 6 of one unspiced lemon tea in an economy size 80 pack? This must have been spiced too and it is funky. That's okay...I wait for everyone to drink. I then wait for everyone to say how strange the tea tastes!
No one says anything!!! I can't believe no one says anything! This is the weirdest tea I have ever tried. I am not sure whether to be flattered that no one would want to offend me or upset that no one would be honest?

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

This is my afternoon dialogue...

Daya (I'm driving): Uh. Those assholes. I was going to let her through and then they just drove in front of her.
Dayne: Assholes?
Wylde: That's a bad word, Dayne.
Dayne: Bad word?
Dayne: Momma...
Wylde: Don't say it, Dayne.
Dayne: Momma...
Wylde: Don't say it, Dayne.
Dayne: Momma...
Wylde: Don't say it, Dayne.
Dayne: Momma...
Wylde: Don't say it, Dayne.
Daya: WYLDE! Just let him talk! Maybe he didn't want to say the bad word. Dayne, what did you want to say?
Dayne: Asshole.
Daya: Don't say that, Dayne, it's a bad word.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Who doesn't know that Dayne is potty training?

So .... in case you haven't been reading let me catch you up... Dayne is currently in the process of potty training. It is a slow going and painstaking process.  He understands the concept but just can't seem to put thoughts into actions.
This morning was a "palm to forehead" morning. You know those moments where you hit yourself and make a "Doh!" sound. Yep that is the one.
I am in a particularly bad mood. I hate mornings. I LOVE to sleep. The kids on the other hand LOVE mornings!! So it was 8 am and I am getting breakfast ready, pouring my coffee. I turn around.  I scream "What are you DOING?" Dayne says "Peeing in my diaper, Duh."
True. He was peeing in his diaper which is normally just fine and dandy except normally the diaper is on his body and not laying on the kitchen floor.  Yes, he was peeing into his diaper as it lay on the floor and getting pee all over the kitchen.   Palm to forehead.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I think he might finally get it.

Let's see we have been married for almost 8 years, together for 12 and our first child is 5 and I think he finally gets it! That didn't take near as long as I thought it would!
I hear Chett saying things like...."Where do your clothes go?"  "We are not leaving this house until this living room is picked up!" "Those toys need to go to your room."
I love it.
I think I love him more after hearing him be a stern mother, er father.
I feel validated.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I wish I had a video of that!

As Chett was starting to repot Wyldes sunflowers (he got them from kindergarten camp and when they get as tall as we are it is time to start school) he moved some things around on the deck. Bad idea. Apparently he disturbed a healthy wasps/hornets nest (I don't really know the difference - I suppose I should google it). Needless to say the wasps were not happy and began to dive at him. One even stung his ear. He comes in screaming like a little girl. Seriously. His voice was higher than it was pre-puberty! Screaming about trying to get away from the angry wasps and nearly jumping off the deck just to get away from them. You see our deck has no outlet and the only way off is to climb down, jump off or go inside.  He thought the hose might help so he went into the backyard and began spraying them with the hose. Yeah. That helped.
Not wanting to get stung myself but wanting to help my husband who has no idea what he is doing I decide to dress for the occasion.  For me that means covering all visible skin so that the wasps have no where to sting me. So, in 100 degree heat I put on my "sweat" pants, chetts boots, my bath robe and put a scarf over my head!! I tell the kids to stay inside!!! I go out on to the deck and throw the wasps house over board!!! (the unused, broken grill Chett should have got rid of months ago!!) I kill, maybe 2! I screamed a little.
I swear if anybody was watching us at that moment had to think we were special.
My husband thanked me! I feel like we done good.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I know I am biased...

Just yesterday Dayne and I saw some metal archs...like the skeleton of a building. Dayne said, "Look! Rainbows!"  I said "Yes! Those are the same shape as a rainbow but rainbows have a bunch of colors!!" He says, "We can paint them!"
I know I am biased but for a 2 year old I think that is pretty darn smart!!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Now I remember!

Yep. Now I remember why I don't exercise at home! I tried working out this morning. It was just me and Dayne because Wylde is at Mema Dodo's. I turned on exercise TV on demand and picked out some "entertaining" workouts. Not 30 sec into it Dayne was bored and began to kick me and punch me and I said "Mommy is trying to lose weight. Do you want Mommy to be fat?" and He said "YES!"
So there you have it. Let's go eat ice cream!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

He comes back from Mema's with such a potty mouth!

Dayne was at Mema Dodo's for 3 days he comes home. He's being all sweet!
Dayne: Daya. Daya. Daya. Daya!
Daya: Yes!
Dayne: You're pretty.
Daya: I think you're pretty too.
Dayne: I'm not pretty! I'm handsome!
Daya: What is Daddy?
Dayne: Daddy's an asshole.
(he goes up to chett and points at him, finger in his actual cheek pointing to him) and he says:
You're an asshole
and then Chett tells me a joke with the punchline being Nagger, to which Dayne immediately repeats....except it doesn't sound anything like Nagger. Chett was covering himself up with a blanket. I remained sober face and told him, that was awful, so now everytime Chett laughs at ANYTHING, Dayne says: Stop laughing. That's awful!
He has also started the "Why" phase. Why? WHY? WHY???? To which I directly follow with the "I've turned into my mother phase" and repeat "Because I'm the Mom that's why!" or with "Because I said so!"

Good times.

,Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Dayne. 1 syllable. Straightforward. Is it really that hard?

Wylde had a friend come swimming with us today. First she called Dayne, Dave, then David then she started calling him Damon. She is 5, and wanted to mother him! She kept trying to catch him at the bottom of the slide. He's more than half her size! Then she would want to carry him in the water and he was like, "No, mom carry me!"  It was soo funny. Wait...on yet another random thought I wonder if her mom put her up to the name thing. Her moms name is Joy, I called her Joyce... interesting.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I thought of a new random thought!

For all of you non-current preschool parents...there is this show on PBS called Word World. It is a "world" where everything spells what it is. There is a bear, a frog, sheep, pig, dog and some bugs. It is supposed to help children with their alphabet and the like, I assume.

Here's my question... why is it that all the animals talk except the dog? Did they think that children wouldn't understand if a dog could talk but it is totally acceptable for a frog or a bear to talk? I mean, Seriously. Right?!?!
I call shenanigans.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Should I put all these stories in different posts? or just one? Okay. Just one.

So. Dayne stuck silly putty up his nose the other day, while I was driving. Anyone ever experience trying to teach a 2 year old to blow his nose while driving? Not easy. I still don't know if we got it all out. That evening he kept picking his nose and coming out with blue stuff, to which he would proudly exclaim, "Silly Putty!"

On a sweet note, he tells me all the time how much he misses me. He is with me 24/7. He told me his missed me as I was leaving to go to the grocery store yesterday. Not after I came back but before I left. I think he is telling me he misses me instead of telling me loves me. He is so sweet.

Speaking of sweet...I think he and I made it to second base today. Not sure I really remember what second base is but it was awkward. He kissed my lips, my cheeks, my nose, my chin, my forehead and then he wanted to kiss my boobs. Um. No.

Wylde had a friend over today and he started telling her about his Fourth of July weekend which of course began...My grandpa got into a fight with another grandpa and then I said a bad word, that started with fuh (he was sounding it out) At that point I stopped him. Said he had much more exciting things to talk about, like fireworks and swimming and what not...

My random thought for the week or month or year....
When it is a full moon, I wonder how many bugs die flying into that light?
(I wouldn't have been so polite as to call that other guy a grandpa!) Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Since when did kids learn about the bees so early?

While we were outside this past weekend at my Mom's in Emporia, Wylde runs up and says he saw a Bee! I said, "Well that will happen outside." but he said somehting that really shocked me! He said "It's okay it was just pollenating!"
He's 5 ya'll. 5.
Since when do children use words like pollenating and know what it means? And who has been teaching him about the bees? I can't wait to hear what he has to say about the birds.

 Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Wylde's got our back *warning offensive language included...

Emporia fireworks changed the location of their fireworks display yet again. This time it was at Trusler. What a crappy place to have the fireworks, down in a valley. We went near the campus to the tennis court parking lot but the fireworks didn't go high enough for us to really see well and then there was that street light in the way.
The parking lot was full of people already set up to watch the fireworks but we were there for the same reason so we pulled in and set out some chairs. Some grouchy old guy then proceeded to yell at us for double parking and telling us how inconsiderate we were but he wasn't leaving at that moment and we offered to move so that he could leave, which he didn't. I HATE confrontation. I was scared there was going to be a fist fight but thank goodness the guy only had one arm.
Anyway, one person in my party said "Well fuck you." The one armed man said "No, fuck you!" and then Wylde said "No, fuck you!"
Ah! Happy Birthday America!
So we left and got ice cream.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

So there's this raisin...

 So.... there is this raisin at Mom and Dad's house, on the night stand. Everytime I stay the night I see it and think  "OMG, mouse poop!" or "OMG a bug!" and then I realize it is a raisin and laugh! Instead of throwing it away, I leave it there to trick myself again next time. It works everytime.
Dayne found it today and wanted to eat but I told him it was yucky so he wanted to throw it away. I wouldn't let him. It's a tradition now. It warms my heart to know that raisin will be waiting for me the next time I stay the night. There to freak me out! I love my little raisin.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Here's a little story I heard...

Wylde goes to summer school (summer preschool) just until the end of this month. He has 3 teachers who all love him becuse he is so funny! Like Mother like son! One of his teachers, Miss Gwen picks him up for school everyday and she tells me this story the other day...
Wylde tells her he wants to be an Astronaut when he grows up. She tells him that is terrific and that he will have to go to lots of school and training but she knows he can do it because he is so smart. She can't wait to say "I knew Wylde back when he was only 5" and "He told me he wanted to be an astronaut back when..." and Wylde says  "You'll be dead by then!"

So glad his teachers have a good sense of humor!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Guess he doesn't get to play with silly putty while I on the toilet anymore.

Wylde LOVES silly putty. Plays with it 24/7. I got him some new silly putty because the old silly putty was just that, OLD! When you pulled it apart it looked like it had fur from all the hair in it. Glow in the dark silly putty that is all not sticky and pretty and not full of hair!  It was so pretty I didn't want to give it to Wylde. He took it to Wal-mart with him. He played with it the enitre time his friend was here. He even shared it! Let his friend play with half of it. While she was playing with half he had half and decided he needed to poop. Needless to say, he dropped it. I refused to get it. He tried to get it. No such luck. He ended up flushing it. Thank goodness he had the other half!!! And then he slept with it! Half of half of his silly putty is stuck to his night shirt. Now all he has left is a wad of silly putty. It serioulsy looks like a wad of blue, glow in the dark silly putty. Had to throw away the night shirt, FYI. 
Thanks goodness silly putty is inexpensive, do wish it came out of clothes better.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

It's not funny.

Okay, so this post won't be funny, maybe more heartfelt and i am sorry for that. I am warning you aheaed of time though so don't say i didn't warn you.
I need to get my feelings out and this media is here and I'm gonna use it.
I want another baby. I want to try for a girl. I said in my high school year book that my ambition was to marry rich and have 6 kids and be a stay at home mom. Well...I now realize having 6 kids is INSANE but i think 3 would be good. However, the 2 I have are a handful and a half and money is tight. The hubby says no way.
I have had migraines for the past 5 years and have now just got them under control with birth control pills.  I would have to go off birth control to get pregnant.
I have 2 friends right now that are pregnant and would give anything to be pregnant with them! I LOVE being pregnant. I want a little girl so badly I can taste it. It tastes like cotton candy and strawberries! The thought of being done having kids is devastating. I REFUSE to say I am done having kids.
I will say that I can wait. I can wait 3 to 5 years and have a baby when the kids are older, when we are more financially stable.
Don't get me wrong, I am fulfilled with my boys. I love them more than I can put into words. I love my husband; our relationship gets better by the day. I don't NEED another baby but I feel like it is my destiny to have a baby girl.  So to all of you that I have talked to about having another baby, don't talk to me about it. I am trying to persuade Chett to have baby in the future. Until then, I LOVE my boys, all 3 of them.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I realized I know nothing about garbanzo beans.

So really hummus is gloridfied refried beans? right? What are garbanzo beans? I am going to go google them as soon as I am done ranting here. I was enjoying my salt and vinegar potato chips with roasted garlic hummus. DELICIOUS! When I started wondering as I am enjoying these beans, are they going to make me fart later. Garbanzo beans are white though, and farts strike me as more of a brown thing so I am guessing I will be music free. Then I wonder if I could make my own hummus but I haven't ever actually seen a garbanzo bean. Is it actually a bean or is it a corn? Oh wait, that is homminy...
If they are a glorified refried bean why is hummus Greek and not Mexican? This probably goes back to the actual bean...garbanzo beans must be found in Greece? Probably why hummus is so expensive? What a strange word. "Hummus" sounds like a rock. Oh wait, that is Pumice. I can't wait to go learn some more about garbanzo beans. Why wasn't learning this fun when I was in school. Anyone need a research paper for summer school? 
 Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Novella continued...

Her boyfriend. Her dishonest, suave, manipulating male companion is more like it.  For all intensive purposes his name will be Ken, a little name for a little man. Don't misunderstand me, he is not little in stature but little in mind and wit.  Unlike Barbie/Gertrude who has everything, can be anything, friends by the number, Ken has nothing and his only claim to fame is that he is associated with Barbie.  Ken is a piece of shit decorated with flecks of gold cast off of Barbie's designer wardrobe.
Although he and I have never been friends, I know quite a bit about him.  That will happen    town boasting 1,347 people. He and I also share a mutual friend, or rather I should say we share a mutual snitch. I will call him Mitch, mainly because it will be easy to remember. Mitch the Snitch.
Mitch enjoys being the go between. He gets to be close to Gertrude when he is with Ken and he gets to talk about Gertrude when he is with me. Eat, sleep, dream, Gertrude. What could be better than that? Mitch and I were friends long before Gertrude so it is just kismet that he happens to be friends with Gertrudes male companion.  It also happens to be bittersweet.  I enjoy talking about Gertrude. Daydreaming about Gertrude. Envisioning my future with Gertrude. Hearing about Gertrude in pain, I do not enjoy. Ken on the other hand seems to enjoy Gertrude's pain, as he seems to inflict it often.
I didn't even realize I was stalking him until his neighbors began waving at me on a daily basis and I knew Maria by name. Maria is his mail carrier. What a sweetheart.  She really understands the angst and torture of teenagers these days. 
Stalking, right. Why was I stalking? It was really more like watching Ken angrily. Driving by his house and reving my engine. Keeping my eye on him to ensure the safety of my future wife. He knew I was keeping an angry eye on him. It was a dark and clear hot humid summer night as he and Gertrude were cruising. I happen to be next to him at a stop sign, on a quiet, vacant street. I revved the engine of my 1968 black, SS Camaro. He revved the engine of his piece of shit 1977 powder blue Thunderbird. With smoke behind us, I was in the lead. However, instead of racing down the street where the road changed from asphalt to gravel and put Gertrude in danger. I took the high road and carried on with my destination. Home.
Mitch couldn't wait to find me in the hallway the next day. Ken was bragging about how he had taken me and my V8 425 HP Camaro from a dead stop. I laugh and walk away. I see Gertrude. She smiles and winks. She and I share a secret, the truth.

 Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Kids these days.

While we were riding Thomas the Train into the middle of nowhere (seriously the track only goes straight so thomas rides it backwards into a field and then frontwards back to the station) Wylde looks out the wondow and says.... "Look Mom, Farmville!" I am thinking I need to introduce him to some real farming. His only real farming experience consists of mystery eggs and watermelons harvesting in 4 days!!

Twice in one day Dayne decorated his room with diaper lotion and sunburn cream! He went to bed early that night without TV. That was hard for Mommy, having to listen to his screaming!! It is amazing how much blonder his hair has gotten in the sun. He looks more and more like Dennis the Menace!
Maybe I should start shoppping for a Dayne the Pain sitcom!

Anyone know any good producers??

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Trying my hand again at the novella...

Its a beautiful sunny day as I ride my bike around the neighborhood. Nothing better than the cool feel of wind and freedom. I was so surprised to see her, beautiful her.  I fell off my bike.
She is the most amazing thing I have ever seen. She must be the most beautiful ray of sunshine and happiness to anyone that meets her; to anyone that just lays eyes upon her. 
She is dressed in yellow with a yellow bow in her hair, accentuating her likeness to the sun. How can I live my life without her? How can the Earth live without the sun?
As she disappears into the neighbors house, my world is cloaked in shadow. Sadness washes over me. I am an insignificant teenage boy infatuated with an amazing teenage girl.  My whole life is ahead of me and she already has a boyfriend.  I shouldn't be this in love with a girl that has never even spoken my name. Has she ever even looked in my direction? and yet I know she smells like strawberries and cotton, her eyes are the most beautiful shade of blue, like a sky right before a thunderstorm.  She has a scar just above her lip and right above her right eye.  Her dimples are enough to make my world spin.  Her blonde hair, I can only imagine would feel like silk in between my fingers.
You would think her name was Evelyn, Victoria, Caroline. Something classic and beautiful, not Gertrude. Gertrude Agnes Gershbottom. Even her initials were ugly G.A.G.  There isn't even a beautiful nickname in there, Gerty? Trudie? Neither of those does her the justice she deserves.
I have never heard her complain though. She happily goes by Gertrude. Immediately raises her hand when her name is called in class, with a smile on her face and in her eyes.
I wonder if she must have been ugly when she came out of the womb, to be cursed with such an awful name. Just because there are family with that name on her family tree is no excuse. No offense to anyone out there whose name may be Gertrude or Agnes or even Gershbottom but it really isn't pleasing to the ears. Her older sister escaped the bane of an awful name. Her name is Gloria. Gloria Rose Gershbottom. Even though her name is more pleasing to the ears her beauty is less pleasing to the eyes. Then again...nothing holds even the most beautiful candle to Gertrude.
Tomorrow classes start back up. Summer is over. I am sick with anticpation and excitement. Seeing her everyday M-F, for 6 months has given me diarrhea with delight!  If we have a class together I just might throw up. Oh please don't let me throw up in her presence. It's horrifying enough that I just fell off my bike, although I am confident that she didn't see.  I've begged my mom for Pro-Activ all summer in anticipation for the coming school year.  Even though my name is  Beau William van Duren, I am most likely to respond to Crater Face or Pizza Face or Archibald. Not sure how Archibald came to be. I guess it is suiting for a dweeb like me and my favorite of the nicknames so I don't complain.

I feel sorry for her.

Oh Lord. He's only 2 1/2! Dayne sees a fortune cookie on my Facebook page and says "Boobies!" I say, "No, Dayne, that's a COOKIE!!!" Then he turns to me and says "Mommy, big boobies" "Yes, Dayne, Mommy has big boobies." To which he pulls my shirt down (I'm wearing a bra) so he can lay his head down on my cleavage and says "My boobies"  Um.... "no, Dayne, Mommy's boobies"

I can guess right now that his girlfriends/wife are going to be well-endowed.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Quick thoughts

I am vomiting, the first thing people think is "You're pregnant!"
I'm a bitch, I must be "Pms-ing"
If there is a scratch on my car, I must be a HORRIBLE woman driver!
What can we assume about men?
If he vomit's, he must be an alcoholic?
If he is cranky, he must be an asshole.
If there is a scratch on his car, it must have been done by HORRIBLE woman driver.

I can't do percentages in my head. I must be blonde. It's just really hard. Why can't they just put the new discounted price on the tag? I can figure 50% but what is 30% of 39.95? OMG why do they have to make it so hard. Don't get me started that is a whole other blog.

I want to know why my mail man will bring a package to my door but put all the mail that comes that same day he puts in the mailbox. Why can't he just bring it all up in one trip and then skip my mailbox?

yeah, okay that's it for this too. I'm out, like Lance Bass!



Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

So what? I'm still a Rockstar.

So I haven't held up my end of the deal with a blog everyday. So I only write whenever I want. So I only write what I want. So what? I'm still a rockstar.
A 6yr old told me she liked my hair the other day, It looks just like her grandmas. So what? I can totally rock granny hair.
I told my son that I loved him today and he says "I know, Mom, you tell me all the time."  So what. Now you know that I love you and I know that you know that I love you. So there.
My husband says he doesn't want to read my blogs because "they are my thing" . So what? These are in fact my "things" and you can't "read" them. Muahahahahahaha
So I didn't finish the laundry today or yesterday or last week when I started it. So what?  We have clean clothes in the closet. So what, hubby has to free ball it? So what? It's better for his sperm to feel all the freedom. I am just doing what is best for any future children we may or may not have.
So I didn't brush my teeth today. So what? I ate a mint and drank mint tea before bed. There bad breath solved.
So that's all I have right now. So what? So get going gees. No more to see here. Carry on.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Another one? Really? I'm going to go novella style tonight...

It wasn't as real or as scary as the last one.  Last night, I had another weird dream.
I was a prostitute in a brothel. It was the first day and I was nervous. However, I was stunningly surprised to see a few other girls that I went to high school with, also making extra money working at the brothel. How nice to be rooming with old friends.  The first night we are all appropriately attired and standing in line like cattle to be gazed upon. If it hadn't been for my blog I think there would have been less men. Less familiar men gazing upon us. Just like I was rooming with high school girl friends, it looked as if I would also be "rooming" with high school boy friends. High school boy friends, with wives and families, that wanted to see me as I was at that moment. I waited for the madam to list the names of the hired women for the night. I knew my first night had come and yet my name stayed silent among my friends.  I sighed and retreated to my room alone.
It was half time. Time for the men to pick another winner for the second half of their night. My roommate returned and vomited in her bed. I immediately need to be busy. I go to the hall closet and retrieve more sheets. And was confronted by the least of the men who had come to see me.  He was the midget. The small person. The wee man. The little guy who was so mean to me in high school. Now married with children, here he was wanting to bed me. My how times have changed. My how cocky he must feel. Throwing money and alcohol at me like I am needy and unworthy.
What he doesn't know is that I will drink that alcohol and have courage. I will take that money and have worth. I will go home to my husband still honest and authentic. Would his wife understand his feeling of inadequacy? His need to prove himself above a whore?

Okay so brothels do don't have half times. I didn't go to school with a wee man. And no I did not have sex with that man.  But what did you thinking of the writing?

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

It's as easy as pushing a button.

Dayne knows how to lock his door. It's as easy as pushing the button and closing the door, whether you are in the room or out of the room. He prefers to lock the door when he is out of the room.
He prefers to lock his door when he is out of his room at night, when he should be sleeping.  If I had a nickel for everytime I heard the words..."mama, door locked" I would have at least $100,000. No kidding.
I go unlock the door. He says "thank you, mama, scratch my back." Hell no. I am not scratching your back! I just had to get up off my fat ass, walk up the stairs, unlock your damn door and put you into bed, for the 5th time tonight! 
He put Candace the kitty in the clothes hamper today.
He hides the cup to feed the kitties.
He puts his straw through his styrofoam cup EVERYTIME we go to sonic.
He rode his riding toy down the stairs and put a dent in the wall. (he's fine)
He writes on the wall, the carpet, brother's sheets, brother's pillows, himself...
Please, no one let him near any matches or sharp things.
Can you tell who has been pushing my buttons today?
I love my little mischievous boo boo - who is as I speak is kicking his walls from his bed and jabbering loudly in his room, when he should be sleeping.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I must really want some red lipstick.

I had the worst dream(s) last night! So vivid and realistic! I remember every detail (almost)! I even woke up and called the hubby and made him tell me he loved me so I would feel better!
These damn vampires are every where! Last night they killed Chett and my son (some generic brown haired college boywith a backpack that I assume is Wylde in the future?). Tore them apart while I watched in a carpet/rug store at a huge mall in a big city!
Then I made some sort of pact with them and Chett was alive again and the Lady vampire told me I would look fabulous in a red lipstick called Grand Mariner(I know, weird, right?) But that it would smear easily and be hard to take off!
I also danced with them at some point  - they were all dancing down some stairs wearing black and white. I was also wearing black and white so I joined the dance on the stairs. I think this may have instigated the whole thing. Them thinking I was one of them?
I was then in the same mall with my Mom, my sister, and my neice. I was trying nonchalantly to look for this lipstick but nobody had it. I just had to have it. Then my neice disappeared.  Not sure if she was kidnapped or lost or??? Whatever the case I was devestated. Cried and cried, all the while still searching for this lipstick, and some white chocolate coffee. I found the coffee but they asked if I wanted the vinegar in it. Vinegar? She said they used coffee tablets and the vinegar made the tablets dissolve better and made the coffee better faster. I was trying to tell her No and WTF when I saw my neice! I was screaming for her, she was on the other side of some glass. She looked different and was with a strange man. I immediately ran to get her and then stopped at a make-up kiosk.  At which I think I found the lipstick I was told to get but I woke up. So I never got my lipstick or my neice although I feel pretty confident that she is safe.
If you find a red lipstick called Grand Mariner by a company starting with a V (Valiente?). Keep it to yourself because that would be some freaky shit!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Is THAT dandruff??

Well it is officially summer, whether the calendar says so or not! I have burned my scalp.  What a wonderful feeling. Not really so bothersome until I wash my hair, or brush my hair. Then it's going to itch. It's going to itch SO good! I'm going to worry about going out in public because people are going to think I have lice. You know what itching means.... peeling flaking scalp skin. Lovely. It drives me crazy. I'm going to hate going out in public at this stage also because of the huge flakes in my hair and on my clothes! I end up in the shower for hours just scratching my head trying to get rid of it. Or peel it....have you ever tried to peel your scalp? It's not easy or painless. I've done it.
How does one put lotion on the scalp to alieve the burn? or put sunscreen on the scalp to prevent the burn? Come on. This may shock you, but I am girl. I like to have nice hair. I'm not going to grease up my hair trying to put aloe on the scalp or grease it up with sunscreen. There has to be a better way. Wait, I could wear a hat I guess but hats are hot and not really pool friendy. Doo rag? yeah. I tried that once on a canoe trip. With my pale skin and lack of hair under a doo rag, I looked like a cancer patient. Well...a brand new cancer patient that hasn't lost all that weight yet from chemo and radiation...

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I'm in such big trouble!

I think if there was an ornery boy contest Dayne would win. Hands down.  He comes out tonight and knows he should be in bed. He says "Me no sleep" and then smiles, with those dimples and those eyes. Then he turns around and starts playing with his shadow. Chett and I are laughing and so he knows he has an audience. We tell him to go to bed and he says, "Daddy, me help." I say, "What do you need help with?" He says "My pee pee, my butt crack" and starts laughing. 
On a side note to his orneriness... he is so hard to discipline! I get mad and say, "Dayne! I'm gonna spank your ass!" To which he and his brother start laughing becasue I said "ass".  I put him in time out in his room and he tears it apart: takes his stuff off the bed, empties his basket of books, tips over his toys that are big and standing... I put him in time out in the hallway, he crawls to the stairs and makes faces at his brother and I or if Wylde is in Time out he crawls into Wyldes room and they start wrestling and flinging moon sand. I have resorted to having him put his nose on the wall but Wylde can't be around because then they just continue to tease each other. Do I really want more kids? I may only have 2 but these aren't normal children. I should really say I have 4 kids!
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Why do males think poop and anatomy is so funny?

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Bubba poop

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Papa poop

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Poo poo pee pee

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Pee pee butt crack

Knock knock?
Who's there?
Poo poo caca

My 2 1/2 and I's converstation this evening. He and Wylde (and I at them) thought these were hilarious!!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Really strawberries? Really? I call shenanigans.

I bought 2 packages of strawberries today. They are in season. They looked delicious! Of course they come prepackaged in those delightful clear plastic containers.  I thought I was deligent in looking for the best strawberries but apparently not! I feel like in the 2 packages I purchased, I really only got less than one package of good strawberries! I call shenanigans! I think they deliberately load up these containers with half rotten strawberries, turned in such a way that you can't tell that they are rotten. That way they make money off of rotten fruit! If they let us pick our own strawberries by the pound like all the other fruit and vegetables, they would lose money from all the rotten strawberries that no one wants!  If anyone knows a strawberry farmer, could you let me know on the down low? I want to infiltrate the strawberry business and expose these rotten scoundrels for the rotten strawberries they are.  I also wonder why they put such a soft fruit in those packages... when you put them so close together, they are bound to get soft spots. Is there some sort of coalition against us having fresh, perfect strawberries in abundance?  I, again, call sheninigans. Remember, on the down low, give me details about any known strawberry farmers. Also, you might let me know what a strawberry farmer looks like. I want to make sure I blend in. Thanks. If you don't hear from me via, blog or facebook - you know they caught on... alert the media.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

He doesn't read it anyway.

I love my husband very much. I truly do. But let's have a little chat, between you and me....about the hubby. He is OBNOXIOUS when he drinks. Kim, Jarred? You with me? I seriously thought he was gonna start a fight last night because the jukebox wouldn't play his music (it played country music instead which only fueled the issue! and was HILARIOUS) Then he gets beligerent with a mini van on the way home because he thought they had their brights on and stayed in my lane directly behind me on a 3 lane highway. I think he flipped them off for a solid 2 minutes before I put his hand down.
And then the next day....of course he has to be an asshole and not have a hangover. I drank maybe 3 beers the whole night and have a headache and am tired. He drank a gallon of vodka and redbull, no hangover. Bullshit.  However, the 2 orders of nachos with jalapenos didn't settle too well with his butt. I think he deserves it. Mind you. I love my husband.
At this point I want to bring something up....I may have mentioned it before but it still lays heavy on my mind.  I used to ask Chett to do stuff to which his reply would be "Yeah, I'll do it but first I have to poop." Poop - is code for "hell no, I'm not gonna do anything. I'm gonna disappear into the bathroom for 20 minutes and read a magazine and get out of doing whatever it is you asked me to do."
I FINALLY caught on and told him one day that I was sick of him "pooping" all the time! His "pooping" was coming between us and making me very upset.  If he continued to "poop" I was considering calling a doctor for his "gastro-intestinal issues".  To which he was flabbergasted and has now reduced his "pooping."  So to all you ladies out there, Don't let "pooping" ruin your life. Do your duty and make him accountable for his doodie.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Meringue my day away!

So, I have to confess. I have never made a lemon meringue pie before today.  Super easy right. Except I think in the time it took me to make meringue I could have painted the Sistine Chapel and conceived and birthed a baby.  Who in their right mind came up with this idea?
Hmmmm, I'm only gonna use half of this egg beat it sensless, add some sugar and beat it until I am almost dead, at which time I will bake it slightly until it turns brown. At this time I will die and leave my successor the recipe to this delicious confection. Have fun. Make often and think of me...
Now that I think of it, most food is like that. Who in their right mind thought, gee this green hairy ball looks delicious, let's have a bite. Mmmmm, kiwi.
Seriously though - meringue takes FOREVER. Of course since I had never made it, I used my hand mixer. Which after having a smoke is taking a nap. As soon as the travel agents open on Tuesday I'm gonna buy it a vacation to the bahamas.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I must be doing a good job?

Wylde says "First is the worst, second is the best..." or "last one out is a rotten egg!" I always try to sound as sad and upset that I am first or last every single time. Then out of the blue he says to me yesterday, "I'll be the rotten egg today Mama so you don't always have to be."
Is that not the sweetest thing?
Since Dayne has started talking up a storm he has started saying "Thank you!" I cleaned his room today and rearranged things to better organize it. He comes in when it is all done and gasps and says "Thank you, Mama!" Then I told him I loved him and he says, "I know."
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Did you watch the American Idol finale? SPOILER ALERT...

How many cows did they kill to clothe the contestants tonight? I think every single one of them wore leather at least twice! Even their parents were dressed in leather! Speaking of parents, was that Mr. Bill in Crystal Bowersox's dads pocket? Oh, no! Mr. Bill! WTF?
When did Hall and Oates turn into men I wouldn't want at the park with my kids? Weird sunglasses, flannel shirt? Freaky facial hair...
Go down "with you to" a theatre? Really? Those aren't the words!! Alanis Morisette still kicks ass though.
Carrie Underwood....I dare say is the best thing to come out of American Idol...even more than Kelly Clarkson, I think...she is HOT. Maybe it was the leather pants.
Oh, and I am not supposed to tell anyone how much Chett likes American Idol!  Shhh, don't tell him I told you! Watching it with him is kinda like that Twilight Roast I went to...he has a comment for EVERYTHING.
BRETT MICHELS? Isn't he supposed to be sick? Is it really okay for him to be on American Idol? I don't want to watch because I think he might throw a clot or something.... I recently saw a pic of Brett without eyeliner.  Awkward!!
Chicago really isn't any good without Peter Cetera...
Was it just me or did it look like Kelly Clarkson did not want to be there?
Speaking of Kelly Clarkson...I think Reuben lost his weight and Kelly found it. Shame on me.
JANET JACKSON!? Holy shit. Where's her hair? Does she try to sound like Michael now? Uncanny. That freaks my shit out. Right?! Weird. So weird. Where's my fast forward. I can't watch this...
OMG spoeaking of throwing a clot...Joe Cocker. Is he okay?
LEE??? I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING!


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Great, now I have guilt.

So Wylde stomps out of his room the other night and says "You forgot to spray my monster spray!" Monster spray is just some body spray I spray around his room to keep the monsters away....they HATE sweet smelling childrens room! wink wink...So, I say "well just spray it yourself!" I mean afterall I was trying to FARM, how dare he interrupt my harvesting pumpkins!  He says, after rolling his eyes, "but last time I sprayed the monster spray all by myself I sprayed it in my eyes." For a 5 year old the indignation in that phrase was astounding. I will never forget to spray the monster spray again. Guilt trips are long lonely trips.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Me? Drunk blog?

I had a revelations tonight.
1. I am so glad that God put me in this fat body because if I had been healthy and skinny, I would be such a  conceited mean bitch!
2. Pretty Wild is the dumbest show ever. Really? you have a stripper pole in your house? Really? your mom home schools you? Really? Your mom teaches you how to pose for playboy? Really?
3. My new favorite word is: DUMB. Stupid is so 1990's... Why did I take this road? I am so DUMB.
4. I wonder if tomorrow when you respond to this and I remember that I wrote this, I will think, I am so DUMB! Why did I drink and blog? or will I think. . . OMG I am so smart, funny!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

a womb with a view

So my youngest Dayne would rather go to bed in his own room (albeit at his own time) but he wakes up in the morning and either wants to get in bed with me or rudely pulls the covers off of me and tells me to "UP NOW!, Me EAT!" However when he wants to "sleep" with me I think it be easier if I could just unzip the womb and have him curl up in there. He has to be on my pillow, a hand on each cheek, his feet under my fat roll. I also have to be "hugging" him and his head has to be touching me. It takes all morning for him to get comfy all the while taking breaks and screaming at me to scratch his back, rub his tummy, scratch his arms, scratch his legs. I am half asleep and merely complying, hoping that this torture will end soon so I can go back to sleep for just another 5 minutes at least.  Tonight I put up the baby gate - in his door frame. Muahahahahaha, no more getting out of bed all night (while Chett and I are still awake, watching TV in the living room) to tell us he peed, he needs juice (he gets a small amount of water) that he wants to watch a different movie, that he wants to sleep with bubba yada yada yada etc etc etc omg....So I put the gate up. He is currently up there yelling his needs into to the air. My secret happiness is that he can't get out of the room until I get him out or until Wylde pulls the gate down. Either way I will be up and my womb will have been intruder free! Woot!!!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

What a potty mouth!

I thought it was SO cute this morning. I was changing Dayne's poopy diaper and he was saying Daya, Daya, Daya. I said, "That's right! Mama's name is Daya." Chett has been working with him to say our names... and he said "No, butt daya."  and pointed to his butt at which point I realized he was saying "diarrhea". He did in fact have diarrhea on his butt. Lovely.


 Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

OMG Men really shouldn't really look for anything!!!

Today. Mothers Day 2010...Chett and Dayne go for a ride. It was a small ride just around the block. they get back and it seems Chett can't find his house keys. The last time he remembers seeing them they were on the bumper. THE BUMPER OF THE CAR HE JUST DROVE. Great. So he goes for a walk, comes home empty handed. I say....let's CSI it! I'll put my keys on your bumper and you follow me and see where they fall off!! This seemed like my AHA! moment of the day. I felt like freackin Catherine off of CSI Las Vegas except with bigger boobs, blonde hair and with saddly smaller lips.  So, I put my keys, with key pad lock and unlock thingy on it and what not, on the bumper of the car and take off. THEY STAY ON! clear out the driveway (over our bump) UP the road. I stopped at the stop sign got out, look, they are still there. I wait for Chett. Another car pulls up behind me so I wave them on. They stop and roll down their windows. "You have keys on your bumper!" "Yeah." I say, eyes rolling "I put them there." Gees. I turn the corner in the car and feel the keys fly off so since it is a busy road (let me repeat...busy road) I turn into a driveway and get out and immediately see Chett's keys in the middle of the road and about 5 feet behind his, are mine. Also in the middle of the busy road. Never in my CSI euphoria did I invision my keys getting masacred by cars! I frogger the traffic and gracefully swipe the keys. 2 of Chett's keys are bent in half. My key pad thingy is in pieces.
After all that....his keys were in the middle of the fucking road ya'll. I mean really?  Never send a man to look for anything.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I wouldn't necessarily call it arachnophobia...

Okay. I don't mind spiders from afar. I can watch them on TV. I liked reading Charlotte's Web as a child.
There was a spider on my kitchen ceiling yesterday. Only the children and I were home. I have vaulted ceilings. I figured if it stayed high, I wouldn't bother it, it wouldn't bother me.  Then I made the mistake of saying something flippant like "Hey, Wylde, I wonder if this spider will crawl into your room tonight while you are sleeping." He starts crying. What the fuck was I thinking? Seriously. Now not even I will be able to sleep knowing that spider is wandering around the house. Oh wait. Here it comes. I can reach it with a broom.  I stick a paper towel to the end of the broom and went to stab it. I missed. I stab it again. I missed. I scream. It falls to the top of the cabinets. I get a chair. I go to crush it with a paper towel. I miss and crush it with my finger! I immediately jump from the chair and do the "Yay, Dayne went potty in the potty!" dance except this is the "OMG I just touched a hairy spider with my finger!" dance - they are essentially the same but the facial expressions are WAY different! I finally get it!!!!!! and go to crush it inside the paper towel but can feel it crushing. I scream - again - and drop the paper towel. It is so dead. Thank the chocolate and peanut butter combination makers.
If that hadn't of been so excrutiating, it would have been funny.


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Maybe naked days aren't so good?

2 days in a row poop went in the potty!!!! I feel like a big kid now!!! Oh wait. This isn't about me. For once. Dayne, my 2 1/2 yr old for those who may not know! For 2 days he has been telling me that he needs to go poop and he goes and sits on the potty and poops!!! He will go pee when he poops (the first day he peed on the rug, I swatted him with the newspaper) so the first day I left him free of pants and diaper! I did that with Wylde because they know they can't pee on the floor so they will run to the bathroom. If I put clothes or underwear on them they wet them, if I put pull ups on them they use them like diapers. So....I leave Dayne naked from the bottom down. I tell him..."Remember, no peeing on the floor! When you pee, you pee in the potty!" I put a towel down on the couch do catch any dingleberries. I go upstairs to get the phone I come back down stairs *you know what happens next don't you?* and he was sitting on the cushion next to the one with the towel and had peed on the couch.  Anyone want an exceptionally ornery boy with the cutest dimples to potty train and return back to me? Please contact me via email. Thanks.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Feliz Cinco De Mayo To Me!!!

So my fire alarm thingy has been telling me for about a month now that I need to change the battery. However, that is easier said than done because it is the one in the kitchen, the one on the 15 foot (at least) ceiling - we only have a 6 foot ladder.  At first it only beeped about once every 5 hours which was barely noticeable and not annoying in the least but now it beeps about once a minute. Yesterday I considered putting the ladder on 2 chairs but thought that might be a bad idea with only me and the kids here. Chett thought it was a bad idea period. He suggested shooting it with a short round shot gun (he said since it is a short round it won't go through the ceiling), I thought that was a bad idea.  Today I tried standing on a chair and standing on my tip toes and beating it with a broom. It is still beeping incessantly. I hate the fact that I may have to rent a ladder for 10 minutes to change a damn battery! The more my eye twitches the more I think the shot gun sounds like a good idea! Then it hits me. It IS a FIRE alarm and I WILL kill myself trying to change the battery so I figure I might as well see if the fire dept will help me out. I call them. They help me! Wylde was at the neighbors- he had no clue. He saw the fire trucks in front of the house (they sent a police car and a fire truck and then a different fire truck with a different ladder) thought something was wrong and bawled his eyes out!
The beeping is gone. You can't see me right now but I'm doing cart wheels.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Am I insensitive?

Someone in Gardner has lost a Chihuahua and the picture they have used for the "lost" picture looks like a professional picture of the Chihuahua wearing a tutu! I laugh everytime I see it because it reminds me of that cartoon of that large woman who lost her chihuachua and it is in her butt! Then I think how insensitive I must be and  I look harder for the little dog!So the poster really works! No matter how much it makes me laugh. I still haven't found the dog though...and I have looked in a lot of butts.


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Me Dude!

I wanna know who taught Dayne what a "Dude" was and I want to know NOW! He thinks wearing a headband like a sweatband is considered a "Dude"! I tried to put sunglasses on him and told him "now that was a cool Dude!" and he said "no me dude!" and he ran and got a head band and put it on Richard Simmons style and said "now me Dude!" So to whoever has been sweatin it to the oldies with Dayne or suggesting "let's get physical" it's not funny.  Okay. Well it is funny. But don't tell Chett I said that.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I just can't catch a break!

My sister used to let me stay up and watch Johnny Carson in her room but in payment I had to scratch her back. My husband constantly has me scratch his back. During nap time I have to strategically place myself so that I am to scratch both boys backs at the same time while also being able to lay down. I get on the computer and my cat sticks her back in my face and sits on the computer. Then the other day I get Taco Bell and my mild taco sauce says....Will you scratch my back?
Really?  I think scratching backs is what I must have been put on this earth to do!


Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I would have never thought she was a psychopath, she was so nice and quiet.

I totally thought she was a psychopath!  Maybe it was the wide eyed never blinking stare? The sweet ever smiling one tooth missing grin?  The fact that we were at a "witches coven"? The red hair? No offense Candy - maybe it is because she is a librarian? Whatever it is I know she is going to slice my throat and steal my kidneys while I am sleeping tonight.
She was too nice, too smart, too quiet, too talkative, too weird...too something....I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm not the only one that thought so either! My neighbor thought so too. So if you don't hear from me on Facebook or blogging for awhile....you know the redheaded librarian witch killed me while I slept and stole my kidneys. Probably ate them too. Or planted some trees on them. Wait....that's placentas...nevermind.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

what's grosser than gross?

Wylde says to me... (FYI - he has a cold with a horrible cough and no one else in the house is sick)
"I know why I'm coughing...it's because I ate my boogers and they are stuck in my throat!"
Gag. Uh. I say to him "I thought you didn't eat your boggers anymore?
"I was eating them while I took a nap today."
"Eating your boogers is gross. Boogers are full of germs. That is why you are sick because you were eating your boogers."
"Boogers taste like candy and sugar."
"Really? Well eating real sugar and candy doesn't make you sick, well it can but not sick with coughing and sneezing. Are you gonna wat your boogers anymore?"
"No." ( I don't believe him. He couldn't keep a straight face)
Yes. My child picks his nose and eats his boogers. Apparently his boogers taste like candy and sugar. I gotta hand it to him, if my boogers tasted like candy and sugar...I might eat them too.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I hope he doesn't read my blog...

So this old "friend" messages me the other day. I think to myself, how nice...I didn't think we were that close.  That's sweet of him to stop by and see how Chett and I are!
And then...
He asks me if I know anyone fat. You heard me. He wasn't as politically correct as I am but that's what he said. I took the bait...I looked at his stuff. Ugh. It's like Amway for fat people. You can lose weight for free if you sign up another person and they sign up another person and so on and so forth...
Great. It really disappoints me that someone I thought was being kind was just trying to cash in on my fatness. Not nice.
I hope that weightloss shake goes straight to his thighs.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I am SO HAPPY right now!!!

So 6 months ago Dayne would point and say Uh!  Very caveman. His words were Mama, Dada, Bubba, Ball....we began speech therapy. I was so frustrated with his non-verbage! He is such a smart kid! Knew exactly what he wanted and communicated in every non-verbal way he possibly could!! Ask anyone!
Today he graduated speech therapy!!! He says 4 word phrases like: Mama, me eat egg.
Mama, no help me. He says new words every day! He tells me he wants to "me, eat pizza." Instead of dragging me to the kitchen so he can point and grunt!
This is another non-funny blog....but I am so happy today! My little boy has graduated in record time and I couldn't be more proud! 6 months and we went from point and grunt to 4 word sentences and 3 syllable words like umbrella and gorilla!!!  I LOVE you Dayne!

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I'm on my period. (not me, the other one)

So. Chett goes upstairs to get himself some ice cream.
Chett: "Hey babe, where's the fudge?"
Daya: "We don't have fudge, just chocolate syrup, in the fridge"
Chett: "Got it! Do we have anymore pecans?"
Daya: "In the pantry, corner in the tub with the brown sugar and marshmellows"
Chett: "I must be on my period."

Not sure whether I should laugh or punch him?




Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

It has really gone to the ugs! Uglies.

I don't know how many of you shop at the food challenged store Lane Bryant but it has really gone to the fashion challenged!! I don't know who they think they are but I used to be able to spend one of Chett's whole paychecks there. Not so much these days. Not a single thing I wanted to buy out of their website today. Well...there was a cute tank top but not for $49 dollars! I'd rather make one out of cheese and wear it. There was a knit shirt with shoulder pads for like $50. Shoulder pads. Really? Shoulder pads. Oh and a pair of tight rolled sweat pants and a pair of cotton bermuda shorts each for the bargain price of $59.50. Really? I can go to wal-mart and buy a pair of sweats for $5, go home cut them off, tight roll them and viola. Lane Bryant savy. Who do they think they are? Wait.
I should go to Wal-mart and buy some sweats and cut them off and tight roll them and sell them on Etsy as Lane Bryant knock offs.
BRB, Anyone need anything? I'm going to Wal-mart.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I should be what when I grow up?

Wylde told me the other day as I was Rocking OUT to our Imagination Movers CD.... "Mama, you should be a rockstar when you grow up.  You are a great singer and you can dance really good and you are so pretty." Now, that isn't funny but I don't care who you are...that's the sweetest thing.

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

Who dresses her?

Serioulsy. Who dresses her? She wears a pink/purple shirt, that is too small and shows her belly, reddish orange shorts and yellow socks. In what world does that even coordinate?  I swear it must have been a man that dressed Dora.  Oh yeah, totally a man. Frankly I am a little worried. Dora is always taking dangerous adventures without a anyone but animals accompnying her. Isn't that a little weird? Who saw the Going on a berry hunt episode? They went to blueberry hill...  anyone remember that song?
I found my thrill on blueberry hill
On blueberry hill when I found you
The moon stood still on blueberry hill
And lingered until my dreams came true

The wind in the willow played
Love's sweet melody
But all of those vows we made
Were never to be

Tho' we're apart, you're part of me still
For you were my thrill on blueberry hill
The wind in the willow played
Love's sweet melody
But all of those vows we made
Were never to be
Tho' we're apart, you're part of me still
For you were my thrill on blueberry hill

Isn't that creepy? who's with me?

Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

I used to but I forgot

I had funny stuff happen today. I swear I did. I remember thinking at the time, quick...I need to go blog or I need to remember this so I can blog about it later. Well it is later and I forgot!
I find it harder to be on the spot funny than I had originally thought.  I can be funny in response to people all the time but to be original and on my own funny....its tough.
I guess there was something funny...although i think it is gross.  My son Dayne...the one that eats moon sand. I gave him a bath tonight and then put lotion on him. Everytime I do he sticks his hand in the fresh glob of lotion I put on him and eats it. Yummy he says. I go to put on his diaper, he has minor diaper rash so I put some butt cream on him with some powder on top of that because he HAS to have powder thanks to the in-laws. He sticks his finger in his butt crack and eats the cream/powder concoction. Yummy he says. What is wrong with him?
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya

am I really that bad?

I feel like such a bad girl today. I mean that seriously...don't get all kinky.
One neighbor didn't know what BYOB was and I had to explain it to her. Another neighbor didn't know what 420 was. Why is it that I have to educate the friends on alcohol and drugs? I thought I was innocent and sweet.
Stay Funny San Diego, Daya